This week has been consumed by various mixed emotions. If its not one person, its the other. From depression, self-hatred and crazy ex's, to being homesick, loosing touch with old friends, and struggling finding the right ones, I've found everywhere constantly someone is fighting a battle within and without.
A lot of my week has been just that. If you read my recent blogs, you'd see that... so I won't go into detail on any of it. Even as someone who has fought her battles, I sit here tonight struggling to find the the right words to express the need to hold on. Maybe its more simple then we'd like to think. Maybe our finite minds assume that it has to be complicated. Our God is a complex God, but I believe more than anything that His Love and Truth is as simple as this : He loves you just as you are, He is the same God on the Mountain tops, as he is in the valleys, He is the only way, and He is sovereign over anything you may be facing.
To the depressed, insecure, self-hate motivated people... you feel you just can't cut it : I went a long time without waking up to those simple truths God was trying to remind me of. I fought with satan and the demons within for a long time before I finally realized how simple it had been all along. " God loves me. Despite everything I've done? I get that. I don't want His love, I don't deserve it." First of all, this way of thinking will send you in and endless circle and you'll never get to the end the lists of reasons why you don't deserve His love. None of us could. The simple truth is this: " there is no greater love than this, than a man to lay down his life for his friend." Its been shown to us from the very beginning. Take the sunday school lesson you learned when you were 5 years old and apply it to here and now. Its as simple as that. Oh how I wish we could see through the eyes of a child. God= Love. God's love is so amazing, so divine, so genuine that he sent his perfect sinless son, who became human.... stooped down to our level and died for our wretched souls. It really is, that simple.
To those broken beyond, compare... the stresses of the life are just weighing you down:
I've seen your tears. I've heard your stories. I've felt an ache in my heart, and am left without adequate words to stop your tears. If there is one thing I've learned -- there is a time for everything. A time to weep, a time to mourn... a time to build up, and a time to tear down. So this is your time to weep. God never promised it would be easy. Some of the things people have dealt with recently I will never be able to comprehend or understand exactly why they happened. Some of things that have gone on, I've wondered and questioned if my little faith could measure up to the situation at hand. Then I realized something, its not the size of our faith, its the size of our God. Granted, the size of our faith has a lot to do with the size of our God. I took a step back and realized this: the same God who can wipe away every sin, every wrong doing, every fear and doubt.. can wipe away your pain as well. Yes in some instances, there will be a hole, a scar. From watching others, from hearing stories from so many broken people and watching them rise above the ashes from a fire that would normally consume a person completely, I've seen a glimpse of how huge He really is. When our faith is resting in that, we won't ever get let down. A friend told me that once, a long time ago, someone I strongly admire. It couldn't ever ring more loudly in my mind than it does right now. You see, she was broken too. She was put in a situation where you just want to scream why?! Its girls like her, its the people God provided me with that have constantly been driving that truth way deep down inside of me, to where I find myself no longer able fight the simplicity of Gods everlasting Love.
When you just can't see the light. When you really just can't seem to find peace. Remember your God. Sounds so cliche doesn't it? Sounds to simple? It is just that simple. This week I found myself starting to doubt I can really pull of this college life. I struggled with doubts that I have all along. This week God has also opened my eyes to those around me. I've been slapped in the face by what hes awakened my soul to see. Yes Bekah, others hurt too, and in ways you can't fathom, so hold on.
A while back. Sometime during the summer. My mom showed me the Louie Giglio video "How Great is our God". I think it was then and there where my heart really started dropping down into a melting pit of grace. Yes, I've fought, struggled , and failed numerous time since that moment. The video went into a lot of scientific detail about evidence of God, our galaxies and how huge they are. Sitting there in the living room, shaking, in tears, I felt like a microscopic organism. I was swept away. All the fears, doubts, struggles, pride, selfishness mushed together into a pile of repentance as God laid in front of me the power of his love and mercy. It all amounted to nothing to the majesty that surpassed it all. A God so huge, that there are things my eyes simply can't see. From the air we breathe, to the galaxies that go further beyond than what we'll ever know, our God is amazing. After watching that, I went to sleep. As I lied wide awake in bed, in finally arose and cried out to God, and wrote this:
" There are no words -- take my heart and let it sing"
Everlasting
Mighty Savior
take my heart, and let it sing
My stone cold heart has frozen solid
I need the warmth of Your love to thaw me
theres no more running, no more fighting
On my hands and knees
You've awestruck me once more
Take my heart, take my life
I can no longer deny this love surrounding
its written on everything (things my eyes can and cannot see)
take my heart and let it sing.
So tonight. Sit back, and remember who He is, and his simple truth, and His never failing promises.
*** How appropriate that these thoughts come pouring out on the anniversary of a very tragic day. There are many broken people, who are dealing with a whole lot of pain today. Hold on. I don't what its like to be where you are, but hold on. Your God, He will sustain you.
Remember 9/11
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