This past weekend I went to SOTO, Shepards of the Ozarks, for our college retreat. Over the past couple of weeks I'd been struggling with self a lot. Really looking inward... feeling discouraged and alone and disconnected from friends and family. At SOTO, Joey really tries his best to just give us a time to just relax and get away from the every day pulls and tugs of life. I think spiritually, emotionally, and physically, a lot of us can say it was just what we needed. I know I did.
We did have sessions that were very rewarding and I learned so much from them but one of my most precious times was a time spent alone. We got lots of free time, and even though I wanted to be a part of the hiking and exploring and fellowshipping... something was telling me I needed desperately to steal away and be still with God.
Growing up , dependency on people rather than our Savior took a slow but definite toll on all aspects of my day to day walk. It lacked intimacy with him. Being completely transparent, being intimate with God has become very new to me and has also come with a lot of painful realizations. Of course from time to time and even after a revelation he brought before me I still run back to my tendency to find security in other relationships. But what God's really speaking over my life this weekend and all summer leading up till now, is the importance of an intimate relationship with him and the importance of a wise out look on relationship with others!
In my quiet time with him he led me to 1 Samuel 20. In these passages you'll find a beautiful picture of a beautiful friendship, David and Jonathan. David's life is on the line and he desires to run and seek refuge. He needs Jonathans help. It's not just anyone who is threatning David's life but the king, Jonathan's father!! In short, Jonathan makes a pact with David, ensuring that if what David was telling him was true, David would get away unharmed! The last two verses are what struck me:
" After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together- but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, 'Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord saying, 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever'. Then David left, and Jonathan went back to town" - 1 Samuel 20: 41-42
Before reading this, my heart was in a selfish turmoil. I felt discouraged, neglected and simply not up to par with the friends I've been blessed with. If you are close to me, you may know all to well that I'm my own worst enemy. Though this all sounds very scattered, stick with me. Before reading this, I prayed that God take my focus away from relationships and back to Him. Strangely the very thing he lead me to was a picture of this friendship. I was a little puzzled at first... wondering why God would bring me to this. I needed to focus on Him! Then these verses soaked in...
In tears as I type I cannot count on my fingers the amount of Jonathan's I have in my life. It says in these last couple of verses David bowed before Jonathan as a servant. Notice it says the both wept... but David wept the most. I laugh because I'm emotional, but also because all to well I know the feeling of wanting to fall on my knees, flat on the ground in gratitude for my friends and family. No, not because they've made me who I am or in them alone do I find my hope. But because of their loyalty, obedience, and faithfulness not only to me, but more speicifically our Father.
Then I got slapped. I wish I could say this next paragraph is my words but they so plainly and surely voice what I wish to get out here :
" A friendship that is based on the issue of what someone can do for you is not a true friendship. No person can ever satisfy the longing and need in your life. ONLY JESUS can meet all your needs- spiritual, physical, and emotional. Building friendships requires risk of possible pain and rejection. However, it is worth the risk to find a friendship anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty."
How important it is that we first and foremost find our worth in Him. Its a struggle. Shamefully a big one for me. I praise God so much though for placing friends in my life that ARE anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty. The only way they are that, is because first and foremost their relationship with the Lord is anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty. When lose touch with God, we lose sight of what relationships are about! When connected to him we aren't blinded and we see the blessings are overflowing from those relationships!
All that to make a public apology and thank you. Its a wonder and a shame how I could possibly feel alone and disconnected when I have been seen through so much darkness with a solid rock group of friends and family whom I can only look to Him and say THATS YOU! I don't deserve it. Not one bit. I could wrestle with myself and how I don't feel I belong... I could throw myself a pity party and tell myself I'll never be enough. Or I could embrace the love He's shown. I could embrace the friends and family that say... " You belong, you are enough and I love you."
I'm sorry far to often that I'm not Jonathan. I'm sorry I get selfish. I'm sorry I too quickly forget. But I'm not sorry that I have the privilege of shouting and expressing my thankfulness and joy for having you in my life. For the privilege of walking through life with some of the most passionate lovers of Christ and his work. For the privilege of calling you friends... brothers and sisters in Christ.
Pray for me. Pray that I can find satisfaction in Him alone.
I'm praying for you. And I'm praying that I might the same.
Pray for mercy, and to fix our eyes on Him alone for all we need! Thank you...thank you so much.
"The Mercy Place"
- Psalm 51
My sin is ever before me
it infects and touches every part
spills over into my heart
Protect my ears
for sin tells them false things
protect my eyes
for blindness sin could bring
Protect my heart for its for you it sings
The secret sins we keep inside
they infect our thoughts
they tell us lies
we fall from you
we fall from grace
bring us to the mercy place
Out of the darkness
into the light
Mercy guides us through those nights!
It protects our ears
It protects our eyes
It floods our heart
to you we cry!
The secret sins we keep inside
they infect our hearts
they tell us lies
we run to grace
we seek your face
we find healing in your mercy place
Your grace is ever before me
it infects and touches every part
and spills now out of a humbled heart.
