It's been no secret that I haven't been "around" lately. Truth be told, I've been struggling with some things that are pretty hard to swallow or much less say out loud. I've spent most of my life over analyzing peoples perceptions of me and situations in themselves...constantly focused on what they think. So often times thats something that makes this something hard to talk about. Depression.
NOW! Thats in all caps to get your attention of course! Before you direct your eyes away from this page in lue of that word and its negative conitation let me offer another one and focus on it instead.. Hope.
Hope comes in many forms...
a smile from someone random on a day you can't find a reason to smile yourself
an encouraging word, letter, card
a rainbow after a storm ( both literally and figuratively)
stars
a sunset
a song
friends who are consitent and persistent.....who love and support no matter what
family
a childs laugh or smile
a childs innocence
an answered prayer
God's word and promises
and most importantly....our salvation
...the list is endless. Stop and think of some yourself too! Its helped.
These past couple of days its come in the form of answered prayers and the act of offering hope to others. I have a friend that I've wanted to minister to for quite some time. It has been months since I've truely got on my knees for her much less anyone else but myself. I knew she neeeded God, and wanted to simply to get her come to our college night! In my absence from many things I've not only been absent physically but absent as a friend, daughter, sister, aunt. A couple of days ago she came to me broken over so many heavy things going on in her life. My heart dropped... I hadn't been there... I hadn't prayed for her in forever... even asked how she was doing. At the end of her vent she took me by surprise when the words " Hey I'm coming to perspective Monday". In my mind I'm thinking " wait...what? I haven't asked you in forever. wow. And didn't you just get done talking about so much hurt" It didn't take long for those thoughts to turn into " wow.....what? God. I've done nothing. Beeen faithless....thats all you."
Hope came in the reminder that He always answers our prayers... even if our human idea of "time" doesn't match up to his. It came in the reminder that even when we are faithless, He is so very faithfull (2 tim 2:11-13). It encouraged me, to know He was still at work even when my life was very dormant, dark, and felt so very hopeless. Am I saying that its okay to be defeated...to stay down and out...to be faithless and live in the dark? No. Have I felt self defeat since this? Heck ya. But do I see more light? Yes. I truely believe these kind of glimpses of hope go on dailey under the radar of our self defeated thoughts in times like that... we just fail to see Him. How cool that He loves us so much to not just remind us every now and then...but constantly? Even when we are living lives of sin and he wants so desperately to rescue us . We shouldn't need to be reminded....but he does...
Stay with me!
Tonight I went to dinner with a friend before Wednesday night church. It had been a while since I'd been to wednesday night so I wasn't sure if I was ready or going to attend. To kill time between dinner and church to make that descion I stopped at CBO to find a book a friend had suggested. I decided as I got in my car I'd go...but as I was pulling out of the parking lot I noticed a man in his mid thirtys standing holding a sign. Last time I saw this....I drove away...I came back with food...and he was gone. I didn't have anything to give him and a bible was one of the first things that came to mind. Taking the chance of him leaving I rushed to the atm nearby, grabbed some money...emptied my bible...slipped the money in and wrote the words " You have Hope" in the front cover. I also slipped an antioch bulletin in, listed the service times and told him to join us. I was so worried I'd come back to see him gone but as I pulled up he was putting his back pack on and about to get on his bike. Perfect timing. God timing.
I rolled down my window and said an awkward Hi. He said hello and smile...and it seemed very warm and genuine. I grabbed my bible and stuck it out the window, he took it looked up and I said "Just look in the front cover". He responded with "God bless you". I said " God bless you and Merry Christmas". Of course now there are so many things I wish I would have said. Like whats your name, is there anyway I can pray for you.
This situation reminded me that God can still use anyone. Even when your broken beaten down and in the dark, He can still use you to offer hope to the hopeless. Do I know if He'll chunk the bible and just take the money? No I don't. Does it matter..? No. What matters is that He saw Christ's love. And I believe thats the only way that was possible tonight. Do I want him to venture to antioch on Sunday? To sit down and read the three simple words and find it in the bound pages? Yes. I pray that he does, and have hope that he will.
Hope I've learned has nothing to do with us or or situations. Hope is unchageable, unmoveable and fights for our attention when we try to hide it from the world. I've got this hope, thats never left even if everything about my current situation and actions have screamed otherwise. I have this hope, and He is unchageable, unmoveable and fights for my attention in blessings I don't deserve to see ....when I decide to hide from the world and keep that hope to myself. Today I say no more. Maybe I'll fail but staying down won't be an option anymore. I don't think I even have that option.
Hope won't allow it.
Hope wins.
