I take a lot of things for granted, and quite often... I can be pretty selfish.
That truth hasn't hit me quite as hard as it did tonight. Lately I've been struggling with some things, that I won't go into a lot of detail about, but I've just really been down and out. For the past week I've been walking around like that person who always seems to be the downer. You know those?
I haven't written on here in a while for several reasons. Often times I feel like what I have to say is irrelevant or babble. However tonight, I just feel like writing. It's something I enjoy whether I do it well or not. Most of us can find ourselves in a rut more often then not. If we are all real honest, we'll admit our feelings of hopelessness a time or two. I pray and hope that most of you have not experienced the hopelessness to the point of wanting to just quit, but it happens a whole lot more than we think or admit to.
I fear putting this out there. I fear being so open and "laid out like a sunday morning wash" like Maddy Smith would put it. However, there have been MANY instances in my life when I've just wanted to quit. There have been MANY instances in my life when I just didn't see the point, I wanted to give up... this week has been one of those. Whether it be circumstances or just some sort of emotional insecurities that have been built and stored up over time, I've found myself in that place too often. I've doubted God, I've doubted myself, I've doubted others. Crazy right? Observe my family, and the friends that surround me and it comes as quite a shock. It's frustrating, its painful, its shameful and embarrassing, but Satan sure does know my weakness, and he sure has taken a foot hold this week.
Every time I've just wanted to lie down and quit this week, something in the back of my mind says, "Brooklyn". For those of you who know me, you know that I am now the proud aunt of a beautiful baby girl named Brooklyn Paige Martin. For those of you know me, you also know that it wasn't the most "ideal situation". I remember the day my brother sat me down to tell me he was going to be a dad. I knew the love Sarah and him shared, I knew everything would work out, but it was still all so overwhelming. Never did my mind wander to think that a baby was a mistake, in fact it wasn't too long before I was ready to figure out what colors I could buy: blue or pink!? However, in that moment, all I could think was... God what on earth is going to happen here? Tonight God broke me down and answered that question loud and clear. I can't imagine the feeling of holding your firstborn child... but it has to be simply breathe taking since I could hardly catch a breathe holding my baby niece for the first time just a few weeks ago.
Though I've been stubborn, though I've pushed him out, God showed up in a might way tonight when the whispers of "Brooklyn" turned into "all of those who love you, the same way I've loved you". Let me explain. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, I've walked down a lot of roads that have been pretty bumpy.. and through that have suffered depression. Guilt, regret, shame, have engulfed my life for years. Things I hold on to, things that weigh me down, things I allow to weigh me down. It's been a long time coming, and I'm no where near what I want to be or should be but now find it comforting to know I never will be. When your in that frame of mind, your blinded by all the crud to see God's truths shining through. The cool thing is, just because you stop trusting and running after Him doesn't mean he stops working. My fears, my failures, my feelings of weakness, my pride, all came crumbling down when God shook me. When the very thoughts that I pushed aside all week came out of the mouth of my best friend, three years younger than me. She listed all the people I love, and in the middle of the list I said "Brooklyn". I proceeded to tell her how I wanted to be there the first time she skinned her knee, to be there the first time a boy broke her heart. To offer her hope, strength, and most of all a Godly example. Tears flooded my eyes as countless names, faces, and hearts came into mind that have been there all along, and most of all the God that has provided them.
Through new life, God's shown me that there is ALWAYS hope for new life. Before she was even born, he knew, that exact minute I'd realize how beautiful it is. Though I can't see the other side of where I am, I know simply that there is another side. That through a not so "ideal situation" God brought the most beautiful bundle of joy and with that brought hope for new life. I can only imagine the hope and love it's brought to my brother and sister in law! God works in all, and through all... and though I doubt, he still continuously gives me reason not to! I can't wait to see where God takes Brooklyn. I can't wait to watch her grow. I can't wait for her to see how loved she is, and moreover, I can't wait to see her fall in love with her maker.
Romans 8:28
*** To my family, friends: Thank you.
