Choose Life.

"Remember, you do the choosing. God working in you, as you allow Him entrance, makes it happen in your life."- Stomrie Omartian

"The plans of the heart belong to man,
but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord."- Proverbs 16:1

Well hello blog world. Today is Thursday, March 17 which is exactly one month since I began my journey in the physical aspect of healing. In one month I have lost 8 pounds, and feeling healthier, obviously feels pretty good. I was shooting for 10 but am proud of myself and thankful for strength provided. I started a book called "Lord I want to Be Whole" by Stormie Omartian and the quote at the very top is from it. While simple, it holds a lot of truth... a truth I've come to cling to and remind myself daily.

Life throws us a lot. Satan throws us a lot. And often, God puts us through things to grow us or bring us to a place we could never imagine in the end. Regardless of the source of the mess you find yourself in, there is always purpose and always a CHOICE. Thats a hard thing to swallow most of the time given that as humans we'd rather wallow in our mess and throw up our hands. Myself, I tend to make plans.. if I fail or mess up in anyway it feels hopeless. Truth is in this past month I couldn't sit here and tell you that I NEVER missed a day working out, but what I can tell you is for the first time I chose to get up and try again the next day. I know that we aren't always promised tomorrow, I know that we should always try to be at our best, but I've learned more lately to count the mercies of a new day as a huge blessing. Not to excuse ways you've failed, not to live however you want, but to learn and try harder the next day.

While God has a plan for our lives, we choose what we do. Often times we can't choose how we feel or whats done to us, but we can always choose how we handle it and if we get back up again. I'm not sure what version she used in the book but in proverbs 16:1 it said "preparations" instead of plans. There is so much more work to be done, so much more rest, so much more healing and love and forgiveness to both receive and give.... but regardless of the amount of time that takes I'm simply asking that he prepare me for that. I'm preparing my mind, my heart to choose life. Sounds silly, but its so very crucial right now and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to do just that.

22 pounds to go!

Outward eyes

Two nights ago at the gym I was having a bit of a slow night. I was feeling a bit discouraged and throwing a bekah pity party, invitation and attendance: me. While I was lifting weights I kept glancing over in the mirror feeling self conscience... so many girls in there able to do much more ( run longer, lift more, and of course look better). I kept looking at myself in the mirror thinking to myself this is going to take forever. Finally the last time I glanced I looked past myself and my attention turned to a larger lady. Before anyone gets offended I'm just being completely honest here... she was quite a large lady. I watched for a minute as she went to town on the elliptical and smiled.

After that my thoughts shifted from me to questions like "I wonder what her story is....how she got where she is and what finally motivated her to come here". Lets be real, obesity is a serious problem today and is mostly caused by laziness. But lets look deeper too. Everyone has that pet sin, something you seem to always come back to. Every one has ways of coping. Everyone has something...and that something is a part of who they are and what they struggle with. I know when I'm down and being a girl a piece of chocolate cake sounds amazing, as does a bag of popcorn and a chick flick. This woman didn't just wake up one day and realize she was overweight, it happened over time. In the same way we don't just wake up one day and realize we are in a life full of sin, it happens over time (slow fade by casting crowns is now playing in your head right?). Well it is mine.

I'd like to say since then my confidence level has not decreased, that I haven't gotten discouraged, but I can't. However, I can say that its made me more prone to push those thoughts aside and stop looking inwardly. In this walk of healing its been plain to me that inward eyes have got me caught in a pit. Regardless of whether its thinking much or little of ourselves... its easy to get lost in ourselves; so much so that we magnify our pain. Looking away for just a moment pushed me to work harder that night and every night since. How sad it is that I get caught up in my mess instead of realizing how much mess is all around me. How thankful I am that God reminds me to stop and look. Doing life together, sharing our stories, and loving each other through those messes... thats what its all about. My prayer is that I find myself in that place of compassion again.

Give me a heart of compassion

to count others more significant than me

to see to the needs of others

and tear down this sin that covers

It blinds my eyes

only I remain

I make much of the mundane

More of you

less of me

Open my eyes

so I might see

Their hurt, their pain

their story, their scars

What binds them to sin

Help me to love again

Your grace, your healing

your story, your scars

you bind us in your love

It should be more than enough...

To open our eyes.

****

On a not so serious note:

Progress physically:

* Lost 7 pounds

* Ran 4 minutes w/o stopping mon

* Ran 6 mins w/o stopping tues.

* Ran 8 mins w/o stopping wed.

* Tomorrow it will be 10

( I know that sounds little but this girl is OUT of shape and is making progress : ) )