Small flickers in a heart consumed by darkness. It will light a flame.

It's been no secret that I haven't been "around" lately. Truth be told, I've been struggling with some things that are pretty hard to swallow or much less say out loud. I've spent most of my life over analyzing peoples perceptions of me and situations in themselves...constantly focused on what they think. So often times thats something that makes this something hard to talk about. Depression.

NOW! Thats in all caps to get your attention of course! Before you direct your eyes away from this page in lue of that word and its negative conitation let me offer another one and focus on it instead.. Hope.

Hope comes in many forms...
a smile from someone random on a day you can't find a reason to smile yourself
an encouraging word, letter, card
a rainbow after a storm ( both literally and figuratively)
stars
a sunset
a song
friends who are consitent and persistent.....who love and support no matter what
family
a childs laugh or smile
a childs innocence
an answered prayer
God's word and promises
and most importantly....our salvation
...the list is endless. Stop and think of some yourself too! Its helped.

These past couple of days its come in the form of answered prayers and the act of offering hope to others. I have a friend that I've wanted to minister to for quite some time. It has been months since I've truely got on my knees for her much less anyone else but myself. I knew she neeeded God, and wanted to simply to get her come to our college night! In my absence from many things I've not only been absent physically but absent as a friend, daughter, sister, aunt. A couple of days ago she came to me broken over so many heavy things going on in her life. My heart dropped... I hadn't been there... I hadn't prayed for her in forever... even asked how she was doing. At the end of her vent she took me by surprise when the words " Hey I'm coming to perspective Monday". In my mind I'm thinking " wait...what? I haven't asked you in forever. wow. And didn't you just get done talking about so much hurt" It didn't take long for those thoughts to turn into " wow.....what? God. I've done nothing. Beeen faithless....thats all you."

Hope came in the reminder that He always answers our prayers... even if our human idea of "time" doesn't match up to his. It came in the reminder that even when we are faithless, He is so very faithfull (2 tim 2:11-13). It encouraged me, to know He was still at work even when my life was very dormant, dark, and felt so very hopeless. Am I saying that its okay to be defeated...to stay down and out...to be faithless and live in the dark? No. Have I felt self defeat since this? Heck ya. But do I see more light? Yes. I truely believe these kind of glimpses of hope go on dailey under the radar of our self defeated thoughts in times like that... we just fail to see Him. How cool that He loves us so much to not just remind us every now and then...but constantly? Even when we are living lives of sin and he wants so desperately to rescue us . We shouldn't need to be reminded....but he does...

Stay with me!
Tonight I went to dinner with a friend before Wednesday night church. It had been a while since I'd been to wednesday night so I wasn't sure if I was ready or going to attend. To kill time between dinner and church to make that descion I stopped at CBO to find a book a friend had suggested. I decided as I got in my car I'd go...but as I was pulling out of the parking lot I noticed a man in his mid thirtys standing holding a sign. Last time I saw this....I drove away...I came back with food...and he was gone. I didn't have anything to give him and a bible was one of the first things that came to mind. Taking the chance of him leaving I rushed to the atm nearby, grabbed some money...emptied my bible...slipped the money in and wrote the words " You have Hope" in the front cover. I also slipped an antioch bulletin in, listed the service times and told him to join us. I was so worried I'd come back to see him gone but as I pulled up he was putting his back pack on and about to get on his bike. Perfect timing. God timing.
I rolled down my window and said an awkward Hi. He said hello and smile...and it seemed very warm and genuine. I grabbed my bible and stuck it out the window, he took it looked up and I said "Just look in the front cover". He responded with "God bless you". I said " God bless you and Merry Christmas". Of course now there are so many things I wish I would have said. Like whats your name, is there anyway I can pray for you.

This situation reminded me that God can still use anyone. Even when your broken beaten down and in the dark, He can still use you to offer hope to the hopeless. Do I know if He'll chunk the bible and just take the money? No I don't. Does it matter..? No. What matters is that He saw Christ's love. And I believe thats the only way that was possible tonight. Do I want him to venture to antioch on Sunday? To sit down and read the three simple words and find it in the bound pages? Yes. I pray that he does, and have hope that he will.

Hope I've learned has nothing to do with us or or situations. Hope is unchageable, unmoveable and fights for our attention when we try to hide it from the world. I've got this hope, thats never left even if everything about my current situation and actions have screamed otherwise. I have this hope, and He is unchageable, unmoveable and fights for my attention in blessings I don't deserve to see ....when I decide to hide from the world and keep that hope to myself. Today I say no more. Maybe I'll fail but staying down won't be an option anymore. I don't think I even have that option.
Hope won't allow it.
Hope wins.

I thank God EVERY time I remember you.

This past weekend I went to SOTO, Shepards of the Ozarks, for our college retreat. Over the past couple of weeks I'd been struggling with self a lot. Really looking inward... feeling discouraged and alone and disconnected from friends and family. At SOTO, Joey really tries his best to just give us a time to just relax and get away from the every day pulls and tugs of life. I think spiritually, emotionally, and physically, a lot of us can say it was just what we needed. I know I did.

We did have sessions that were very rewarding and I learned so much from them but one of my most precious times was a time spent alone. We got lots of free time, and even though I wanted to be a part of the hiking and exploring and fellowshipping... something was telling me I needed desperately to steal away and be still with God.

Growing up , dependency on people rather than our Savior took a slow but definite toll on all aspects of my day to day walk. It lacked intimacy with him. Being completely transparent, being intimate with God has become very new to me and has also come with a lot of painful realizations. Of course from time to time and even after a revelation he brought before me I still run back to my tendency to find security in other relationships. But what God's really speaking over my life this weekend and all summer leading up till now, is the importance of an intimate relationship with him and the importance of a wise out look on relationship with others!

In my quiet time with him he led me to 1 Samuel 20. In these passages you'll find a beautiful picture of a beautiful friendship, David and Jonathan. David's life is on the line and he desires to run and seek refuge. He needs Jonathans help. It's not just anyone who is threatning David's life but the king, Jonathan's father!! In short, Jonathan makes a pact with David, ensuring that if what David was telling him was true, David would get away unharmed! The last two verses are what struck me:

" After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together- but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, 'Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord saying, 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever'. Then David left, and Jonathan went back to town" - 1 Samuel 20: 41-42

Before reading this, my heart was in a selfish turmoil. I felt discouraged, neglected and simply not up to par with the friends I've been blessed with. If you are close to me, you may know all to well that I'm my own worst enemy. Though this all sounds very scattered, stick with me. Before reading this, I prayed that God take my focus away from relationships and back to Him. Strangely the very thing he lead me to was a picture of this friendship. I was a little puzzled at first... wondering why God would bring me to this. I needed to focus on Him! Then these verses soaked in...

In tears as I type I cannot count on my fingers the amount of Jonathan's I have in my life. It says in these last couple of verses David bowed before Jonathan as a servant. Notice it says the both wept... but David wept the most. I laugh because I'm emotional, but also because all to well I know the feeling of wanting to fall on my knees, flat on the ground in gratitude for my friends and family. No, not because they've made me who I am or in them alone do I find my hope. But because of their loyalty, obedience, and faithfulness not only to me, but more speicifically our Father.

Then I got slapped. I wish I could say this next paragraph is my words but they so plainly and surely voice what I wish to get out here :

" A friendship that is based on the issue of what someone can do for you is not a true friendship. No person can ever satisfy the longing and need in your life. ONLY JESUS can meet all your needs- spiritual, physical, and emotional. Building friendships requires risk of possible pain and rejection. However, it is worth the risk to find a friendship anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty."

How important it is that we first and foremost find our worth in Him. Its a struggle. Shamefully a big one for me. I praise God so much though for placing friends in my life that ARE anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty. The only way they are that, is because first and foremost their relationship with the Lord is anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty. When lose touch with God, we lose sight of what relationships are about! When connected to him we aren't blinded and we see the blessings are overflowing from those relationships!

All that to make a public apology and thank you. Its a wonder and a shame how I could possibly feel alone and disconnected when I have been seen through so much darkness with a solid rock group of friends and family whom I can only look to Him and say THATS YOU! I don't deserve it. Not one bit. I could wrestle with myself and how I don't feel I belong... I could throw myself a pity party and tell myself I'll never be enough. Or I could embrace the love He's shown. I could embrace the friends and family that say... " You belong, you are enough and I love you."

I'm sorry far to often that I'm not Jonathan. I'm sorry I get selfish. I'm sorry I too quickly forget. But I'm not sorry that I have the privilege of shouting and expressing my thankfulness and joy for having you in my life. For the privilege of walking through life with some of the most passionate lovers of Christ and his work. For the privilege of calling you friends... brothers and sisters in Christ.

Pray for me. Pray that I can find satisfaction in Him alone.

I'm praying for you. And I'm praying that I might the same.

Pray for mercy, and to fix our eyes on Him alone for all we need! Thank you...thank you so much.

"The Mercy Place"

- Psalm 51

My sin is ever before me

it infects and touches every part

spills over into my heart

Protect my ears

for sin tells them false things

protect my eyes

for blindness sin could bring

Protect my heart for its for you it sings

The secret sins we keep inside

they infect our thoughts

they tell us lies

we fall from you

we fall from grace

bring us to the mercy place

Out of the darkness

into the light

Mercy guides us through those nights!

It protects our ears

It protects our eyes

It floods our heart

to you we cry!

The secret sins we keep inside

they infect our hearts

they tell us lies

we run to grace

we seek your face

we find healing in your mercy place

Your grace is ever before me

it infects and touches every part

and spills now out of a humbled heart.

"He is not invisible when we come alive"

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

If you know me very well, or even if you don't you'll often see me wearing some sort of paraphenalla that says TWLOHA. A lot of you see that and aren't really sure what thats all about. I strongly encourage you to just take the time to take a look at the vision. (www.twloha.com) This is only a couple paragraphs but are some that hit home and have meant a lot to me in my life.

For years I struggled with depression, and on occasion I have my "not so great days". It could possibly be something I always struggle with, I don't know what God has in store. But what I know is more and more I feel its the very thing that sends me to my knees to confess my need for him. Throughout those years I was searching for fulfillment in so many different things when what I truly needed had been there all along. The cool thing about Christ's love for us thats so different than what we view love as is that His love is unconditional, free, and full of grace. Though I was living in a life of sin and misery God placed me around some of the most amazing encouragers I could ever asked for... even when they were the last people I wanted to see or be around. For those years, Christ still made himself present in my life despite my refusal to simply wake up. He did that with love, His love, through those I hold very dear.

I could go on forever with stories and specific people that come to mind and would gladly take the time to do that, but I definetly don't want to lose your attention. On a really hard day, I was flipping through my bible and stumbled across a verse that my very best friend had highlighted. " For it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: Wake up , O sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you."-- Ephesians 5:14

It wasn't until this past year did this verse really stick. In fact a lot of the things loved ones constantly drilled in me stuck, but I simply put them in the back of my mind. The truth of the matter is, no one person could make the choice that I needed to make. However, the love and compassion those have shown is why I am here today. Our father has been teaching me a lot lately about how everything is through him and for him, nothing is possible without him. As frustrating as it is, a lot of pain to myself and others could have been avoided had I simply made a choice a long time ago. You see Christ is the only way to healing, to life itself, but our hearts must be willing to let him have his way. This verse does not say... when you feel like it roll out of bed and God will rescue you. WAKE UP!!! RISE FROM THE DEAD! And then, Christ will shine on you. I believe more than anything that in all things God is at work, but also believe He is quick to respond to our effort and our belief in His healing power. We can pray prayers of rescue, but we can't be rescued standing in the same places and telling ourselves the same things we always have. Change, as painful as it may be, must happen.

There were nights when I wanted to quit. There were nights when I almost did. There were nights when I hurt my friends, my family and said things I didn't mean. The are things I can't take back, consequences that will pain me for probably the rest of my life.There were feelings I didn't understand and may not ever.

On those nights he intervened. On those nights he showed up. He provided friends with patience, love, grace and strength only to be found in him. He understood. He offered grace.

When we "wake" every morning we have a choice. Daily we have a choice and daily we are molded in one way or another. So daily I beg you to awake in Christ. Whether you suffer with depression or not isn't the issue. In this life it is so easy to get into routine and live mundanely. Awake in Him. Healing is possible. Hope is real and He has already won and suffered beyond what we could imagine (john 16:33).

I don't know who will read this or if it's even making much since. All I know is that I want you to know Christ's love in a brand new way. For it is love, HIS love that binds everything together in perfect harmony (Col. 3:14). It feels as if for the very first time I'm falling hard for my savior. My prayer is that I can now finally spread the love of Christ as its been given. I pray he pours me out. We are sure to break, we are sure to fall, but there is so much beauty in the healing of TRUE brokenness. Please know that. If you want to know what my latest addition to my arm means to me, this is it. I am alive because of Christ, in Christ, and daily I want to be reminded to awaken my soul. If you ever have any questions or want to know a little bit more about my struggles and need someone to talk to... as hard as it is sometimes, I'm open for God to use it in any way He can.