You Deserve More Than That

I had a humbling thought yesterday.

As childish as these next few questions may sound... I'm sure I'm not alone in my thought process.

Have you ever considered someone one of your best friends but felt they didn't quite see you the same way? Have you ever poured your heart and soul out to someone only for them to close theirs? Its frustrating. Sadly I'm sure that we are all that for someone. Though I'm surrounded and blessed by the most amazing family and friends I've felt a little alone lately. Have you ever felt alone in a room full of crowded people? Have you ever missed someone, not been able to spend time with them, only to realize they weren't aware it had been so long since you last spoke?

Now before it sounds awful, I have a point! Whether those are feelings of insecurity or simply misunderstandings, I truly feel if we'd admit it, we all have at least one person in our life that has left us feeling this way at one time or another. It makes you feel insignificant doesn't it? Like you can't measure up?

While my mind was racing with these thoughts God slapped me in the face yesterday with one of the most humbling thoughts. Don't you think this is kind of how He feels when we neglect to spend time with him? I know it may seem like a corny analogy, but I just had to share it. I truly think God allows us to go through feelings of loneliness to greater appreciate Him. Often we feel people owe it to us to return the love we give them, but we don't. God freely gives us the gift of eternal life, yet daily we struggle even to come to Him. Just like any other relationship it requires work, effort, and sacrificed time, yet so often he's squeezed into the time intervals that best suit our schedule. As I was thinking about this I felt smaller than an ant. The creator of all things CHOOSES to take us as we are, wipe of the filth yet we feel so unloved and wanted by others. I've found my heart and eyes aren't fixed on what they ought to, when the best friend I could ever ask for is just simply waiting; and more than likely saddened because we aren't as close as we once were! God doesn't need us, he WANTS us. We need God, but miss out on the importance of truly desiring Him.

If only our need and desire to feel accepted and loved by those we hold dear were replaced with the need to fall further in love with Him. I have some work to do.

Hope, there's always hope.

I take a lot of things for granted, and quite often... I can be pretty selfish.

That truth hasn't hit me quite as hard as it did tonight. Lately I've been struggling with some things, that I won't go into a lot of detail about, but I've just really been down and out. For the past week I've been walking around like that person who always seems to be the downer. You know those?

I haven't written on here in a while for several reasons. Often times I feel like what I have to say is irrelevant or babble. However tonight, I just feel like writing. It's something I enjoy whether I do it well or not. Most of us can find ourselves in a rut more often then not. If we are all real honest, we'll admit our feelings of hopelessness a time or two. I pray and hope that most of you have not experienced the hopelessness to the point of wanting to just quit, but it happens a whole lot more than we think or admit to.

I fear putting this out there. I fear being so open and "laid out like a sunday morning wash" like Maddy Smith would put it. However, there have been MANY instances in my life when I've just wanted to quit. There have been MANY instances in my life when I just didn't see the point, I wanted to give up... this week has been one of those. Whether it be circumstances or just some sort of emotional insecurities that have been built and stored up over time, I've found myself in that place too often. I've doubted God, I've doubted myself, I've doubted others. Crazy right? Observe my family, and the friends that surround me and it comes as quite a shock. It's frustrating, its painful, its shameful and embarrassing, but Satan sure does know my weakness, and he sure has taken a foot hold this week.

Every time I've just wanted to lie down and quit this week, something in the back of my mind says, "Brooklyn". For those of you who know me, you know that I am now the proud aunt of a beautiful baby girl named Brooklyn Paige Martin. For those of you know me, you also know that it wasn't the most "ideal situation". I remember the day my brother sat me down to tell me he was going to be a dad. I knew the love Sarah and him shared, I knew everything would work out, but it was still all so overwhelming. Never did my mind wander to think that a baby was a mistake, in fact it wasn't too long before I was ready to figure out what colors I could buy: blue or pink!? However, in that moment, all I could think was... God what on earth is going to happen here? Tonight God broke me down and answered that question loud and clear. I can't imagine the feeling of holding your firstborn child... but it has to be simply breathe taking since I could hardly catch a breathe holding my baby niece for the first time just a few weeks ago.

Though I've been stubborn, though I've pushed him out, God showed up in a might way tonight when the whispers of "Brooklyn" turned into "all of those who love you, the same way I've loved you". Let me explain. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, I've walked down a lot of roads that have been pretty bumpy.. and through that have suffered depression. Guilt, regret, shame, have engulfed my life for years. Things I hold on to, things that weigh me down, things I allow to weigh me down. It's been a long time coming, and I'm no where near what I want to be or should be but now find it comforting to know I never will be. When your in that frame of mind, your blinded by all the crud to see God's truths shining through. The cool thing is, just because you stop trusting and running after Him doesn't mean he stops working. My fears, my failures, my feelings of weakness, my pride, all came crumbling down when God shook me. When the very thoughts that I pushed aside all week came out of the mouth of my best friend, three years younger than me. She listed all the people I love, and in the middle of the list I said "Brooklyn". I proceeded to tell her how I wanted to be there the first time she skinned her knee, to be there the first time a boy broke her heart. To offer her hope, strength, and most of all a Godly example. Tears flooded my eyes as countless names, faces, and hearts came into mind that have been there all along, and most of all the God that has provided them.

Through new life, God's shown me that there is ALWAYS hope for new life. Before she was even born, he knew, that exact minute I'd realize how beautiful it is. Though I can't see the other side of where I am, I know simply that there is another side. That through a not so "ideal situation" God brought the most beautiful bundle of joy and with that brought hope for new life. I can only imagine the hope and love it's brought to my brother and sister in law! God works in all, and through all... and though I doubt, he still continuously gives me reason not to! I can't wait to see where God takes Brooklyn. I can't wait to watch her grow. I can't wait for her to see how loved she is, and moreover, I can't wait to see her fall in love with her maker.

Romans 8:28

*** To my family, friends: Thank you.

"God's forgiveness is an amazing gift. The problem is that our logic gets in the way."- Mark Hall

I planned on squeezing in a nap before Chapel, but for the past couple of days somethings weighed heavily on my mind. I haven't blogged much lately for several reasons. Lately it's been difficult to simply collect my thoughts or make sense of my thoughts enough to pour them out. I also have had a fear of sounding whiney, or being the debbie downer blog. 

However, when I laid down to take a nap I just couldn't rest without putting my thoughts out there. This past Sunday my pastor did a sermon on forgiveness. The forgiveness we should show towards others, ourselves; and the forgiveness God has given to us.  There are things I have bottled up, things that I hide, and maybe if we all got real honest you'd all agree and could say the same for yourselves. When we walked in we were given a rock, which in the end represented something we were holding on to. Our faults, our failures, someone who wronged us, you put a name and face on it... but basically whatever it was that was hindering you from being right with God.

I went down front. I went down like I have several times before. Everytime I've felt like I've finally "let go" it always seems to catch up back up with me. It's never that I don't really want to let go, its never that I don't sincerely pray and take action on it, but I think I've finally put my finger on something that plays a key role in it all. I've always grown up knowing all there is to know. Knowing what it is to have faith, knowing what it is to have God's grace and mercy. Since Sunday, obviously I'm feeling like I picked that rock back up, and maybe a couple more along the way. I've had a few talks with people about the matter and came to what I feel is the problem. Sometimes I think its not that we don't sincerely want  to let go, or that we don't do what we ought to do, but rather we put too much emphasis on what WE are to do rather than what God has promised and can do.  Its a funny thing since its not a new concept to me. I've learned through several circumstances and from a very good friend of mine that our faith should never be in what we can do but what God can do.  Ultimately WE can't let go of whatever it is. Ultimately our minds cannot wrap around the idea of grace, simply because its not something thats logical. When we put too much ourselves into it, we let our logic get in the way. Grace is something we can never fully understand. Faith is something we can never fully understand. Letting go is something we can never fully do if we don't trust God to intervene. I understand that we have to play a role, we have to forgive, we have to move forward; but how can we do that without Christ? 

For me personally I'm finding that my faith is weak and deffinetly not directed where it should be. I think its safe to say when we find ourselves unable to let go, and to press forward from something holding us back after we've already asked for that forgiveness, that we aren't fully trusting that God has forgiven us. When we find ourselves unable to forgive ourselves, we aren't fully allowing God to break down the walls he's dying to take down. We we find ourselves unable to forgive ourselves, we aren't letting God be God in all of our lives, and we are diminishing God's true power to conquer anything and everything in our lives. I don't say all that as someone whose mastered this, but someone dying to let God be God; and know that no matter what I do or don't say He is still who He is, and is capable of so much more than I can fathom.  I just thought I'd share my mixed thoughts!

"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with enteral glory. The saying is trustworthy, for: 

If we have died with him, we will also live with him;

if we endure, we will also reign with him;

if we deny him, he also deny us;

if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself"

2 Timothy 1:10-13

God is still God! He cannot deny himself!!!