The God who was, who is, and always will be. The Savior of my wretched soul.

I met a woman in class whose happily married with children. We casually talked and joked a little. Then she told me something that made me laugh at my insignificant insecurities. She not only took the brave step of returning to school, but did so after dropping out of High School a long time ago.

I carried that with me through the rest of the day, because for months I've been telling myself I'm crazy to think I can actually do it, that its simply too hard. The past two years of high school I dealt with a lot of demons within: hatred, insecurity, anything negative and you might find it in the inner-workings of my tainted heart.  I graduated by the grace of God and a backbone of supportive family and friends, yet still didn't stand up and shout praise to Him for it. Instead I turned within, and told myself I wasn't worth the cause, He shouldn't keep bringing me this far. 

To spare all the gore, I'll skip some things and leave it at this : I was broken to what I considered to beyond compare and I found out, that I knew nothing of what being truly broken was until He broke me of myself. I've always known the right things to say, the right things to do; but the things God has shown me the past year of my life couldn't be taught by a professor, a preacher, a sunday school teacher, not even Billy Graham. He simply taught me this: Regret, guilt, and feeling you aren't worth His time is a slap in His beautiful face. Yes, I have heard these things before, I've known it all along. Unfortunately, but thankfully, I learned the hard way...God ripped through my heart until he got to the center and made Himself sovereign.  By no means do I "have it all together" , and I never will. In fact I tonight I sat in tears for the overwhelming anxiety the past couple weeks have caused: balancing new friendships and old, being a me I never though I could, maintaing a relationship and growing in Christ, and trying to apply study skills I'm beginning to think I never learned. However, God knew I couldn't do this alone and He is constantly providing, and amazingly just at thought of thinking " I can't do this"... He is always there reminding me of some simple truth...

God is God of our triumphs and our failures. What God offers isn't something we could ever deserve. If the God of the universe stoops down, and opens up His arms, leap into them and embrace it with all your might.  By focusing on what was, and why you don't deserve His love and mercy... or how you failed miserably to honor His name, your wasting time and your telling Him he isn't worth the effort. When you step back and realize your guilt and regret is selfish, it is there you find that God never left, never moved.  When you feel its impossible, when you think you just can't do it, stop looking to yourself. Look to others, and especially look to God. In a casual conversation God reminded me of what he has constantly been driving in me: He is God, He is worthy, and with Him all things are possible. 

There is a verse that fits it perfectly. That some would call over used or popular. But often time I think we miss out on some very important aspects of what it holds.

In Philipians Paul is talking to those who are acheing for Paul and his troubles and he says this:

" I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

                Philipians 4:10-13

From a whole lot of experience Paul knew the key to a life with joy. The secret... the answer, to really making that change is simply Christ. Notice how it doesn't say " I can do all things easily through Christ who strengthens me." In fact it very clearly states " In any and every circumstance....facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." He was brought lower the lowest we could imagine; he committed sins that wouldn't be forgiven by the God we place in our minds sometimes. I'm finally realizing that I'm contradicting who God is and what He has promised by not accepting his offer to come and die to who I was. Have we not forgotten that Gods forgiveness surpasses it all? In your worst of times, and in your best of times, He remains. Through your failures and your triumphs, He remains. God will and always be the same God he always has. A beautiful Lord who causes my heart to sink into a pool of love for Him, and its grace thats melted my heart.  

When we finally stop focusing within, and on Him and how huge he is.... everything... just falls right into place, even when our life is chaos.

He remains.