Outward eyes

Two nights ago at the gym I was having a bit of a slow night. I was feeling a bit discouraged and throwing a bekah pity party, invitation and attendance: me. While I was lifting weights I kept glancing over in the mirror feeling self conscience... so many girls in there able to do much more ( run longer, lift more, and of course look better). I kept looking at myself in the mirror thinking to myself this is going to take forever. Finally the last time I glanced I looked past myself and my attention turned to a larger lady. Before anyone gets offended I'm just being completely honest here... she was quite a large lady. I watched for a minute as she went to town on the elliptical and smiled.

After that my thoughts shifted from me to questions like "I wonder what her story is....how she got where she is and what finally motivated her to come here". Lets be real, obesity is a serious problem today and is mostly caused by laziness. But lets look deeper too. Everyone has that pet sin, something you seem to always come back to. Every one has ways of coping. Everyone has something...and that something is a part of who they are and what they struggle with. I know when I'm down and being a girl a piece of chocolate cake sounds amazing, as does a bag of popcorn and a chick flick. This woman didn't just wake up one day and realize she was overweight, it happened over time. In the same way we don't just wake up one day and realize we are in a life full of sin, it happens over time (slow fade by casting crowns is now playing in your head right?). Well it is mine.

I'd like to say since then my confidence level has not decreased, that I haven't gotten discouraged, but I can't. However, I can say that its made me more prone to push those thoughts aside and stop looking inwardly. In this walk of healing its been plain to me that inward eyes have got me caught in a pit. Regardless of whether its thinking much or little of ourselves... its easy to get lost in ourselves; so much so that we magnify our pain. Looking away for just a moment pushed me to work harder that night and every night since. How sad it is that I get caught up in my mess instead of realizing how much mess is all around me. How thankful I am that God reminds me to stop and look. Doing life together, sharing our stories, and loving each other through those messes... thats what its all about. My prayer is that I find myself in that place of compassion again.

Give me a heart of compassion

to count others more significant than me

to see to the needs of others

and tear down this sin that covers

It blinds my eyes

only I remain

I make much of the mundane

More of you

less of me

Open my eyes

so I might see

Their hurt, their pain

their story, their scars

What binds them to sin

Help me to love again

Your grace, your healing

your story, your scars

you bind us in your love

It should be more than enough...

To open our eyes.

****

On a not so serious note:

Progress physically:

* Lost 7 pounds

* Ran 4 minutes w/o stopping mon

* Ran 6 mins w/o stopping tues.

* Ran 8 mins w/o stopping wed.

* Tomorrow it will be 10

( I know that sounds little but this girl is OUT of shape and is making progress : ) )

For everything, there is a season

" Hope" (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ; Isaiah 40:7-8)

A plush green field

one bare tree

a winters season has left me cold

but life is all around me and your love binds me still to thee

Though seasons pass

and people change

You, oh Lord, stay the same

As time goes by and it's warm again

hope arises with each new day

Leaves bloom

out of a winters gloom

growth is evident once more

Back to our roots

where we find you

the deeper we go

You pull us through

to the heart of this life

to the unwavering hope that remains

To you, in you, through you we go on

Though "the grass withers" and "the flower fades...the word of our God will stand forever."

Well its been a little while since I've last updated so I decided to share my heart from this past weekend. In case you were curious the diet has been going well, I went away to visit a very dear friend this weekend so I was told it's always okay to splurge while vacationing ;)

However, its back to the gym tomorrow and I can't wait!

Though I've been so far away lately and run from the only source of hope and strength that is solid, He still has provided. This trip came at just the right time. A time get away, to laugh, to smile and to be smothered in love by a beautiful daughter of the King! My very dear friend, Kristen main will soon be heading off to Mexico, a place that God has placed so heavily on her heart. Though I do not deserve it, God ministered to me this weekend through her. I've never met someone who loves more passionately than her. She would argue this, but I can justify it but pointing back to the one I know has provided. He knew just what all of us needed this weekend.

Now for a bit on the poem I opened with. On our way back today after tears, hugs, and goodbyes we drove by countless open fields. Needles to say, as far as scenery goes its a pretty boring drive. Despite that, you'd come across random fields with beautiful green grass. You know that kind we haven't seen in so long!? In one field in the middle of the grass stood one lone tree. Though life was all around it, life was not evident on its branches. My mind just got to wondering away with that thought and how often I am that lone tree, surrounded by life but not truly living. Every winter depression kicks in like the unwelcomed enemy you don't remember inviting in. I feel its a daily thing, but this season is one where I feel its at its "heaviest". It drags, I go into defensive seclusion mode, and tend to push away those closest to me. I don't know if every winter will be the same, I don't know how long it will be a struggle of mine... it could very well be forever. However, I believe now despite pain that God is still the same God in this season that he has always been. I believe that if it's something I struggle with forever, he will provide ways to push past it, to cope, to avoid the pit I dig.

I don't know what it is for you. But we all have seasons in life that seem to drag and drain the most out of us... to where if we are real honest, it seems absolutely hopeless. I'll be the first to tell you there are times in dark places that I'd say there wasn't hope...knowing full well at the root of it all, Hope remains the same. Wherever your at, whether your in a season of joy or pain I urge you to cling to Him first and foremost. Thats what He is teaching me all over again, daily it seems. Its true that God puts us through seasons to teach us, grow us, and bring us closer to Him... and today I saw that in His creation and loved playing a verse through my mind back to my "roots" if you will. That His word stands forever. He stands forever.

The next hours that followed on the trip home went from a silly question game to very personal heartfelt questions. In vulnerable moments each person shared as I stared out the window, eyes filled with tears heart heavy with both gratitude and guilt... He is God, all the time. So though so many things are painful and to be honest with you it'd be so much easier to quit, Christ will always be for me... so I have no reason to.

I hope if your reading this you are encouraged in some way, and I hope that you hold on to his hope wherever you are at..."..... Christ in you, the hope of glory." ( Colossians 1:27)

Beginnings. and some rambling.

Well hello! It's been a while...

I'm gonna try something out. Today I began a "diet" if you will. But really it was just the beginning of lots of other things in my life that need to be shed. I feel if I daily, or at least weekly (since I'm horrible at it) share my heart with transparency knowing people are reading, or that they have the ability to, it'll hold me accountable. I don't know yet if I'm transparent enough to share my starting weight just yet but lets just say my goal is to lose 30.

This morning didn't go as planned. My mom for months now has been getting up and going to the gym every morning at 5:00. She is so commited and I'm so stinking proud of her. Just all the more reason to want to be like her. Anyway! I was supposed to go with her this morning and yean...thaaaat didn't happen. Normally its something that would discourage me to the point of just saying "eh I'll just not do it at all now". Silly I know, but remember I'm being transparent here. But today I made one simple choice before leaving the house. I simply told myself I'd do my best to make it a good day, and I would find someone to go to the gym with me that night.

Well as my day was winding down I get a text from Jordan asking me to come to bible study that night. It's been a long while since I've been but the thought had crossed my mind several times that day but I knew I wanted to work out, so that was my excuse. Well pregnant ladies like to work out too! May sound silly to some, but I know that God had his hand in that, and to me with so much weighing on me it just felt freeing. Never underestimate the simplicty of the little things you do for someone. Flash back to high school and ask me if I'd be walking on a tredmill next to Jordan Morgan (Summers) and her be pregnant of all things, and I'd laugh in your face! One word to describe her, if I had to chose, Faithful. And I have to brag. I have to, because I can deffinetly justifty this public applaud by pointing it back to God... and that warms my heart more than I can explain. He has been faithful, and has proven his faithfulness through her life and friendship time and time again.

Tonight at bible study we happened to hit on one of my favorite psalms, psalm 51. It's become one of my favorite over the years shamefully because its comforting to know "a man after God's own heart" was broken in that way before God over the mess He got himself into. I've gotten myself into a WHOLE lot of messes, and He is constantly pulling me out. There is only so much pulling there though. Not to say he couldn't but like we read tonight the heart must be willing. In some small way I took a step towards that today. This is a bunch of jumbled up thoughts and ramblings and for all I know no one will read this, however, if you are than your about to join me on a journey down a road of healing. Something thats always helped me is to write. It's been a while since I had but last night I sat down and did for the first time in months. Just got to a point where I had to stop thinking about my situation, and more about the fact that He has overcome that and then some.... and that, is a beautiful thing.

"Grace" ( 2/16/11 )

Irrational

Illogical

unfair

...depression

Infects your thoughts

touches every part

sneaks up from the dark

pulls away from the light

its just not right

Alone tonight

no one around

I toss, I turn, I cry

Unfair!

A self inflicted wound buried deep takes hold

like a cancer to my soul

I give it control

It stings it burns

a lesson not learned..

Irrational

Illogical

Unfair!!

....Grace

Alone that night

No one around

they taunted, they spat

and mocked the holy ground

A wound inflicted by his children

pours out the blood of the grace that would heal them

We stumble

we stray

we begin to believe the lie that life is about getting what you deserve

He stumbled

He stayed

on path to calvary

by his wounds we are healed...

He got what we deserved

Irrational

Illogical

unfair

Beautiful,

Grace.

Lessons "re-learned", a slap yourself in the face if you will.

Have you ever gone throw old blogs or posts, read something you wrote and slapped yourself in the face? That may sound completely "big headed" or silly but it definetly happened tonight. I don't mean that I read it thinking oh this is something I don't know or have never heard, or that I had written something so prophetic, but that I happened to stumble upon a truth I've always known but have shamefully neglectaed. The sad thing is, its obvious after I had written it I didn't hold on to it tight enough. However, it will always remain true and it will always bring hope, a time of redemption and change is always at our finger tips, thats why its called grace. So better to say God slapped me in the fact tonight, given these words and thoughts, are not my own. It's long but it convicted me in a very huge way tonight so I thought I'd share even though its still out there, here it is again.

12/27/07 " A Time to Tear Down and a Time to Build Up"

Around the same time each year the ever so festive holiday, Christmas comes, which is then quickly followed by the New Year, a time for “change”. Gift buying, gift exchanging, decorating, baking; followed by cramming that last piece of pie down your throat before you make a resolution to cut back on those sweets. Throughout the year, it’s what a lot of people anticipate, yet for some, it is a time of grief and pain. I thank God I don’t know the pain of what it’s like to be without a loved one during the holidays. No, I thank God for not having to know the pain of dealing with it daily. It’s those who struggle with it yet fight to find the joy, and have it abundantly, that inspire this overflow of thoughts even more.

This time of year does often bring about a lot of deeper meaning, deeper thinking. But this year in particular I sit back and try to look at this Holiday from every angle and fill in the gaps where I go wrong. That may sound crazy, but within just this past week leading up to this very day my minds been wandering to different places. Before I go on, don’t get me wrong, I love this time of year: the lights, the singing, the joy and laughter, spending time with family and friends, celebrating the birth of Christ, and the list could go on for quite some time. I enjoy it all, but there is something that strikes me not only about Christmas, but about ringing in the New Year as well.

Growing up, I’ve always been taught that “Christ is the reason for the season”, and that he is. However, for the first time in a while I’ve seemed to look underneath it all and wonder what exactly Christmas is too those who don’t have families, don’t have Christ … if they’re lonely, bitter, angry confused, or if it’s just another day. As someone whose been incredibly blessed in her life, this time of year, this year has shed a whole new light. It’s not like I haven’t heard it all before, thought these things, but bit by bit its all stringing together. I’ve gone my whole life knowing the true meaning of Christmas, the truth of his birth, his death, his resurrection. There have been very few times within my life where the way I was living has simply screamed of those things. How is it that a person that can be so selfish and prideful is blessed beyond measure, with not only material wealth, but spiritual wealth… a family who’s founded in Christ, yet you may find the humblest of men without a home or family? How is it that we as Christians only put everything on hold, forget about the many things we busy ourselves with, and our minuscule problems , just once a year? There is nothing on this earth to me that beats feeling the warmth I do with my family and my friends, in joy, but why must the buck stop here? Sure, family from out of town must go, we’re sad to see them go, yet some of us don’t take the time to make a quick phone call or type a quick email throughout the year. Like a lot of things in our lives, it’s like we bundle it up, the anticipation, excitement and joy, all until the month of December. Why observe Christ birth only on Christmas time? Why be joyful and merry just a couple days in the month of December? Yes, life gets hectic, it’s easy to be joyful and merry on Christmas … it’s in the air, and things are calm.

Our God is not a circumstantial God. His word, his love, his truth, never falters. So why must the joy he has commanded of us do so? Though we mock him with the way we live our lives day in and day out, he stays the same. We come to him on Christmas, on Easter, and we celebrate him for all he is and all he has done. We make our “New Years Resolutions” to honor him with our lives and turn away from the habits we can’t seem to shake. Why, oh why are we a people so driven by ours selfish emotions? Quite honestly, the “I’m human” bit can’t do us much justice. We are taken by the feeling Christmas brings. We are taken by the chance to “start fresh” in the year. But why not be taken back everyday by just the chance to live in Him? Why put off every chance we have for change, let it pile up, and then finally decide to make those changes on new years. Does anyone even keep new years resolutions? I’m sure it’s been done by many, but the majority I’d be surprised if it lasts a week.

In literature, the resolution in the story is when the conflict in the story is sorted through. In life resolution is to resolve something, to analyze a complex notion into a simpler one, it is the act of determining. This year and every year from here on out my resolution is to never have a new year’s resolution again. Am I against it? No. However, Gods commandments convict me right now more than ever, to strive for change daily. We are all changing constantly, at different paces yes, but we all are. The choice is ours, to give our utmost all year long for his glory, or to slowly fade and change for the worse. To praise his name, to adore the son that bore our sins, or to lazily fall into a pool of emptiness and numbness. To realize the first step towards change is to stop making plans and resolutions and just simply do it. This part isn’t supposed to be made complicated. I really feel he made it simple for this very reason. He may be a complex, all powerful God that we will never be able to comprehend, but his commandments, his love are crystal clear. For years I’ve complicated something that simply put, only God can do. The change in us is a God who will give us the strength to carry on. The change in us, is a God who is worthy of all glory, honor and praise, day in , day out, every three hundred and sixty five days of every year until we can be with him eternally. We will fail; we will fall short, but the getting back up will be that much more worth it. When the lights are taken down, the decorations put away, and the family sent home, don’t let that joy slip away. When life gets hard and hectic do not stay where you fall. When it’s all stripped away, do we stand as someone who makes it all about him? Let God be the change you wish to see in yourself.
Oh God, please be the change in me.

Small flickers in a heart consumed by darkness. It will light a flame.

It's been no secret that I haven't been "around" lately. Truth be told, I've been struggling with some things that are pretty hard to swallow or much less say out loud. I've spent most of my life over analyzing peoples perceptions of me and situations in themselves...constantly focused on what they think. So often times thats something that makes this something hard to talk about. Depression.

NOW! Thats in all caps to get your attention of course! Before you direct your eyes away from this page in lue of that word and its negative conitation let me offer another one and focus on it instead.. Hope.

Hope comes in many forms...
a smile from someone random on a day you can't find a reason to smile yourself
an encouraging word, letter, card
a rainbow after a storm ( both literally and figuratively)
stars
a sunset
a song
friends who are consitent and persistent.....who love and support no matter what
family
a childs laugh or smile
a childs innocence
an answered prayer
God's word and promises
and most importantly....our salvation
...the list is endless. Stop and think of some yourself too! Its helped.

These past couple of days its come in the form of answered prayers and the act of offering hope to others. I have a friend that I've wanted to minister to for quite some time. It has been months since I've truely got on my knees for her much less anyone else but myself. I knew she neeeded God, and wanted to simply to get her come to our college night! In my absence from many things I've not only been absent physically but absent as a friend, daughter, sister, aunt. A couple of days ago she came to me broken over so many heavy things going on in her life. My heart dropped... I hadn't been there... I hadn't prayed for her in forever... even asked how she was doing. At the end of her vent she took me by surprise when the words " Hey I'm coming to perspective Monday". In my mind I'm thinking " wait...what? I haven't asked you in forever. wow. And didn't you just get done talking about so much hurt" It didn't take long for those thoughts to turn into " wow.....what? God. I've done nothing. Beeen faithless....thats all you."

Hope came in the reminder that He always answers our prayers... even if our human idea of "time" doesn't match up to his. It came in the reminder that even when we are faithless, He is so very faithfull (2 tim 2:11-13). It encouraged me, to know He was still at work even when my life was very dormant, dark, and felt so very hopeless. Am I saying that its okay to be defeated...to stay down and out...to be faithless and live in the dark? No. Have I felt self defeat since this? Heck ya. But do I see more light? Yes. I truely believe these kind of glimpses of hope go on dailey under the radar of our self defeated thoughts in times like that... we just fail to see Him. How cool that He loves us so much to not just remind us every now and then...but constantly? Even when we are living lives of sin and he wants so desperately to rescue us . We shouldn't need to be reminded....but he does...

Stay with me!
Tonight I went to dinner with a friend before Wednesday night church. It had been a while since I'd been to wednesday night so I wasn't sure if I was ready or going to attend. To kill time between dinner and church to make that descion I stopped at CBO to find a book a friend had suggested. I decided as I got in my car I'd go...but as I was pulling out of the parking lot I noticed a man in his mid thirtys standing holding a sign. Last time I saw this....I drove away...I came back with food...and he was gone. I didn't have anything to give him and a bible was one of the first things that came to mind. Taking the chance of him leaving I rushed to the atm nearby, grabbed some money...emptied my bible...slipped the money in and wrote the words " You have Hope" in the front cover. I also slipped an antioch bulletin in, listed the service times and told him to join us. I was so worried I'd come back to see him gone but as I pulled up he was putting his back pack on and about to get on his bike. Perfect timing. God timing.
I rolled down my window and said an awkward Hi. He said hello and smile...and it seemed very warm and genuine. I grabbed my bible and stuck it out the window, he took it looked up and I said "Just look in the front cover". He responded with "God bless you". I said " God bless you and Merry Christmas". Of course now there are so many things I wish I would have said. Like whats your name, is there anyway I can pray for you.

This situation reminded me that God can still use anyone. Even when your broken beaten down and in the dark, He can still use you to offer hope to the hopeless. Do I know if He'll chunk the bible and just take the money? No I don't. Does it matter..? No. What matters is that He saw Christ's love. And I believe thats the only way that was possible tonight. Do I want him to venture to antioch on Sunday? To sit down and read the three simple words and find it in the bound pages? Yes. I pray that he does, and have hope that he will.

Hope I've learned has nothing to do with us or or situations. Hope is unchageable, unmoveable and fights for our attention when we try to hide it from the world. I've got this hope, thats never left even if everything about my current situation and actions have screamed otherwise. I have this hope, and He is unchageable, unmoveable and fights for my attention in blessings I don't deserve to see ....when I decide to hide from the world and keep that hope to myself. Today I say no more. Maybe I'll fail but staying down won't be an option anymore. I don't think I even have that option.
Hope won't allow it.
Hope wins.

I thank God EVERY time I remember you.

This past weekend I went to SOTO, Shepards of the Ozarks, for our college retreat. Over the past couple of weeks I'd been struggling with self a lot. Really looking inward... feeling discouraged and alone and disconnected from friends and family. At SOTO, Joey really tries his best to just give us a time to just relax and get away from the every day pulls and tugs of life. I think spiritually, emotionally, and physically, a lot of us can say it was just what we needed. I know I did.

We did have sessions that were very rewarding and I learned so much from them but one of my most precious times was a time spent alone. We got lots of free time, and even though I wanted to be a part of the hiking and exploring and fellowshipping... something was telling me I needed desperately to steal away and be still with God.

Growing up , dependency on people rather than our Savior took a slow but definite toll on all aspects of my day to day walk. It lacked intimacy with him. Being completely transparent, being intimate with God has become very new to me and has also come with a lot of painful realizations. Of course from time to time and even after a revelation he brought before me I still run back to my tendency to find security in other relationships. But what God's really speaking over my life this weekend and all summer leading up till now, is the importance of an intimate relationship with him and the importance of a wise out look on relationship with others!

In my quiet time with him he led me to 1 Samuel 20. In these passages you'll find a beautiful picture of a beautiful friendship, David and Jonathan. David's life is on the line and he desires to run and seek refuge. He needs Jonathans help. It's not just anyone who is threatning David's life but the king, Jonathan's father!! In short, Jonathan makes a pact with David, ensuring that if what David was telling him was true, David would get away unharmed! The last two verses are what struck me:

" After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together- but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, 'Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord saying, 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever'. Then David left, and Jonathan went back to town" - 1 Samuel 20: 41-42

Before reading this, my heart was in a selfish turmoil. I felt discouraged, neglected and simply not up to par with the friends I've been blessed with. If you are close to me, you may know all to well that I'm my own worst enemy. Though this all sounds very scattered, stick with me. Before reading this, I prayed that God take my focus away from relationships and back to Him. Strangely the very thing he lead me to was a picture of this friendship. I was a little puzzled at first... wondering why God would bring me to this. I needed to focus on Him! Then these verses soaked in...

In tears as I type I cannot count on my fingers the amount of Jonathan's I have in my life. It says in these last couple of verses David bowed before Jonathan as a servant. Notice it says the both wept... but David wept the most. I laugh because I'm emotional, but also because all to well I know the feeling of wanting to fall on my knees, flat on the ground in gratitude for my friends and family. No, not because they've made me who I am or in them alone do I find my hope. But because of their loyalty, obedience, and faithfulness not only to me, but more speicifically our Father.

Then I got slapped. I wish I could say this next paragraph is my words but they so plainly and surely voice what I wish to get out here :

" A friendship that is based on the issue of what someone can do for you is not a true friendship. No person can ever satisfy the longing and need in your life. ONLY JESUS can meet all your needs- spiritual, physical, and emotional. Building friendships requires risk of possible pain and rejection. However, it is worth the risk to find a friendship anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty."

How important it is that we first and foremost find our worth in Him. Its a struggle. Shamefully a big one for me. I praise God so much though for placing friends in my life that ARE anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty. The only way they are that, is because first and foremost their relationship with the Lord is anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty. When lose touch with God, we lose sight of what relationships are about! When connected to him we aren't blinded and we see the blessings are overflowing from those relationships!

All that to make a public apology and thank you. Its a wonder and a shame how I could possibly feel alone and disconnected when I have been seen through so much darkness with a solid rock group of friends and family whom I can only look to Him and say THATS YOU! I don't deserve it. Not one bit. I could wrestle with myself and how I don't feel I belong... I could throw myself a pity party and tell myself I'll never be enough. Or I could embrace the love He's shown. I could embrace the friends and family that say... " You belong, you are enough and I love you."

I'm sorry far to often that I'm not Jonathan. I'm sorry I get selfish. I'm sorry I too quickly forget. But I'm not sorry that I have the privilege of shouting and expressing my thankfulness and joy for having you in my life. For the privilege of walking through life with some of the most passionate lovers of Christ and his work. For the privilege of calling you friends... brothers and sisters in Christ.

Pray for me. Pray that I can find satisfaction in Him alone.

I'm praying for you. And I'm praying that I might the same.

Pray for mercy, and to fix our eyes on Him alone for all we need! Thank you...thank you so much.

"The Mercy Place"

- Psalm 51

My sin is ever before me

it infects and touches every part

spills over into my heart

Protect my ears

for sin tells them false things

protect my eyes

for blindness sin could bring

Protect my heart for its for you it sings

The secret sins we keep inside

they infect our thoughts

they tell us lies

we fall from you

we fall from grace

bring us to the mercy place

Out of the darkness

into the light

Mercy guides us through those nights!

It protects our ears

It protects our eyes

It floods our heart

to you we cry!

The secret sins we keep inside

they infect our hearts

they tell us lies

we run to grace

we seek your face

we find healing in your mercy place

Your grace is ever before me

it infects and touches every part

and spills now out of a humbled heart.

"He is not invisible when we come alive"

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

If you know me very well, or even if you don't you'll often see me wearing some sort of paraphenalla that says TWLOHA. A lot of you see that and aren't really sure what thats all about. I strongly encourage you to just take the time to take a look at the vision. (www.twloha.com) This is only a couple paragraphs but are some that hit home and have meant a lot to me in my life.

For years I struggled with depression, and on occasion I have my "not so great days". It could possibly be something I always struggle with, I don't know what God has in store. But what I know is more and more I feel its the very thing that sends me to my knees to confess my need for him. Throughout those years I was searching for fulfillment in so many different things when what I truly needed had been there all along. The cool thing about Christ's love for us thats so different than what we view love as is that His love is unconditional, free, and full of grace. Though I was living in a life of sin and misery God placed me around some of the most amazing encouragers I could ever asked for... even when they were the last people I wanted to see or be around. For those years, Christ still made himself present in my life despite my refusal to simply wake up. He did that with love, His love, through those I hold very dear.

I could go on forever with stories and specific people that come to mind and would gladly take the time to do that, but I definetly don't want to lose your attention. On a really hard day, I was flipping through my bible and stumbled across a verse that my very best friend had highlighted. " For it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: Wake up , O sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you."-- Ephesians 5:14

It wasn't until this past year did this verse really stick. In fact a lot of the things loved ones constantly drilled in me stuck, but I simply put them in the back of my mind. The truth of the matter is, no one person could make the choice that I needed to make. However, the love and compassion those have shown is why I am here today. Our father has been teaching me a lot lately about how everything is through him and for him, nothing is possible without him. As frustrating as it is, a lot of pain to myself and others could have been avoided had I simply made a choice a long time ago. You see Christ is the only way to healing, to life itself, but our hearts must be willing to let him have his way. This verse does not say... when you feel like it roll out of bed and God will rescue you. WAKE UP!!! RISE FROM THE DEAD! And then, Christ will shine on you. I believe more than anything that in all things God is at work, but also believe He is quick to respond to our effort and our belief in His healing power. We can pray prayers of rescue, but we can't be rescued standing in the same places and telling ourselves the same things we always have. Change, as painful as it may be, must happen.

There were nights when I wanted to quit. There were nights when I almost did. There were nights when I hurt my friends, my family and said things I didn't mean. The are things I can't take back, consequences that will pain me for probably the rest of my life.There were feelings I didn't understand and may not ever.

On those nights he intervened. On those nights he showed up. He provided friends with patience, love, grace and strength only to be found in him. He understood. He offered grace.

When we "wake" every morning we have a choice. Daily we have a choice and daily we are molded in one way or another. So daily I beg you to awake in Christ. Whether you suffer with depression or not isn't the issue. In this life it is so easy to get into routine and live mundanely. Awake in Him. Healing is possible. Hope is real and He has already won and suffered beyond what we could imagine (john 16:33).

I don't know who will read this or if it's even making much since. All I know is that I want you to know Christ's love in a brand new way. For it is love, HIS love that binds everything together in perfect harmony (Col. 3:14). It feels as if for the very first time I'm falling hard for my savior. My prayer is that I can now finally spread the love of Christ as its been given. I pray he pours me out. We are sure to break, we are sure to fall, but there is so much beauty in the healing of TRUE brokenness. Please know that. If you want to know what my latest addition to my arm means to me, this is it. I am alive because of Christ, in Christ, and daily I want to be reminded to awaken my soul. If you ever have any questions or want to know a little bit more about my struggles and need someone to talk to... as hard as it is sometimes, I'm open for God to use it in any way He can.