Beginnings. and some rambling.

Well hello! It's been a while...

I'm gonna try something out. Today I began a "diet" if you will. But really it was just the beginning of lots of other things in my life that need to be shed. I feel if I daily, or at least weekly (since I'm horrible at it) share my heart with transparency knowing people are reading, or that they have the ability to, it'll hold me accountable. I don't know yet if I'm transparent enough to share my starting weight just yet but lets just say my goal is to lose 30.

This morning didn't go as planned. My mom for months now has been getting up and going to the gym every morning at 5:00. She is so commited and I'm so stinking proud of her. Just all the more reason to want to be like her. Anyway! I was supposed to go with her this morning and yean...thaaaat didn't happen. Normally its something that would discourage me to the point of just saying "eh I'll just not do it at all now". Silly I know, but remember I'm being transparent here. But today I made one simple choice before leaving the house. I simply told myself I'd do my best to make it a good day, and I would find someone to go to the gym with me that night.

Well as my day was winding down I get a text from Jordan asking me to come to bible study that night. It's been a long while since I've been but the thought had crossed my mind several times that day but I knew I wanted to work out, so that was my excuse. Well pregnant ladies like to work out too! May sound silly to some, but I know that God had his hand in that, and to me with so much weighing on me it just felt freeing. Never underestimate the simplicty of the little things you do for someone. Flash back to high school and ask me if I'd be walking on a tredmill next to Jordan Morgan (Summers) and her be pregnant of all things, and I'd laugh in your face! One word to describe her, if I had to chose, Faithful. And I have to brag. I have to, because I can deffinetly justifty this public applaud by pointing it back to God... and that warms my heart more than I can explain. He has been faithful, and has proven his faithfulness through her life and friendship time and time again.

Tonight at bible study we happened to hit on one of my favorite psalms, psalm 51. It's become one of my favorite over the years shamefully because its comforting to know "a man after God's own heart" was broken in that way before God over the mess He got himself into. I've gotten myself into a WHOLE lot of messes, and He is constantly pulling me out. There is only so much pulling there though. Not to say he couldn't but like we read tonight the heart must be willing. In some small way I took a step towards that today. This is a bunch of jumbled up thoughts and ramblings and for all I know no one will read this, however, if you are than your about to join me on a journey down a road of healing. Something thats always helped me is to write. It's been a while since I had but last night I sat down and did for the first time in months. Just got to a point where I had to stop thinking about my situation, and more about the fact that He has overcome that and then some.... and that, is a beautiful thing.

"Grace" ( 2/16/11 )

Irrational

Illogical

unfair

...depression

Infects your thoughts

touches every part

sneaks up from the dark

pulls away from the light

its just not right

Alone tonight

no one around

I toss, I turn, I cry

Unfair!

A self inflicted wound buried deep takes hold

like a cancer to my soul

I give it control

It stings it burns

a lesson not learned..

Irrational

Illogical

Unfair!!

....Grace

Alone that night

No one around

they taunted, they spat

and mocked the holy ground

A wound inflicted by his children

pours out the blood of the grace that would heal them

We stumble

we stray

we begin to believe the lie that life is about getting what you deserve

He stumbled

He stayed

on path to calvary

by his wounds we are healed...

He got what we deserved

Irrational

Illogical

unfair

Beautiful,

Grace.