Hope, there's always hope.

I take a lot of things for granted, and quite often... I can be pretty selfish.

That truth hasn't hit me quite as hard as it did tonight. Lately I've been struggling with some things, that I won't go into a lot of detail about, but I've just really been down and out. For the past week I've been walking around like that person who always seems to be the downer. You know those?

I haven't written on here in a while for several reasons. Often times I feel like what I have to say is irrelevant or babble. However tonight, I just feel like writing. It's something I enjoy whether I do it well or not. Most of us can find ourselves in a rut more often then not. If we are all real honest, we'll admit our feelings of hopelessness a time or two. I pray and hope that most of you have not experienced the hopelessness to the point of wanting to just quit, but it happens a whole lot more than we think or admit to.

I fear putting this out there. I fear being so open and "laid out like a sunday morning wash" like Maddy Smith would put it. However, there have been MANY instances in my life when I've just wanted to quit. There have been MANY instances in my life when I just didn't see the point, I wanted to give up... this week has been one of those. Whether it be circumstances or just some sort of emotional insecurities that have been built and stored up over time, I've found myself in that place too often. I've doubted God, I've doubted myself, I've doubted others. Crazy right? Observe my family, and the friends that surround me and it comes as quite a shock. It's frustrating, its painful, its shameful and embarrassing, but Satan sure does know my weakness, and he sure has taken a foot hold this week.

Every time I've just wanted to lie down and quit this week, something in the back of my mind says, "Brooklyn". For those of you who know me, you know that I am now the proud aunt of a beautiful baby girl named Brooklyn Paige Martin. For those of you know me, you also know that it wasn't the most "ideal situation". I remember the day my brother sat me down to tell me he was going to be a dad. I knew the love Sarah and him shared, I knew everything would work out, but it was still all so overwhelming. Never did my mind wander to think that a baby was a mistake, in fact it wasn't too long before I was ready to figure out what colors I could buy: blue or pink!? However, in that moment, all I could think was... God what on earth is going to happen here? Tonight God broke me down and answered that question loud and clear. I can't imagine the feeling of holding your firstborn child... but it has to be simply breathe taking since I could hardly catch a breathe holding my baby niece for the first time just a few weeks ago.

Though I've been stubborn, though I've pushed him out, God showed up in a might way tonight when the whispers of "Brooklyn" turned into "all of those who love you, the same way I've loved you". Let me explain. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, I've walked down a lot of roads that have been pretty bumpy.. and through that have suffered depression. Guilt, regret, shame, have engulfed my life for years. Things I hold on to, things that weigh me down, things I allow to weigh me down. It's been a long time coming, and I'm no where near what I want to be or should be but now find it comforting to know I never will be. When your in that frame of mind, your blinded by all the crud to see God's truths shining through. The cool thing is, just because you stop trusting and running after Him doesn't mean he stops working. My fears, my failures, my feelings of weakness, my pride, all came crumbling down when God shook me. When the very thoughts that I pushed aside all week came out of the mouth of my best friend, three years younger than me. She listed all the people I love, and in the middle of the list I said "Brooklyn". I proceeded to tell her how I wanted to be there the first time she skinned her knee, to be there the first time a boy broke her heart. To offer her hope, strength, and most of all a Godly example. Tears flooded my eyes as countless names, faces, and hearts came into mind that have been there all along, and most of all the God that has provided them.

Through new life, God's shown me that there is ALWAYS hope for new life. Before she was even born, he knew, that exact minute I'd realize how beautiful it is. Though I can't see the other side of where I am, I know simply that there is another side. That through a not so "ideal situation" God brought the most beautiful bundle of joy and with that brought hope for new life. I can only imagine the hope and love it's brought to my brother and sister in law! God works in all, and through all... and though I doubt, he still continuously gives me reason not to! I can't wait to see where God takes Brooklyn. I can't wait to watch her grow. I can't wait for her to see how loved she is, and moreover, I can't wait to see her fall in love with her maker.

Romans 8:28

*** To my family, friends: Thank you.

"God's forgiveness is an amazing gift. The problem is that our logic gets in the way."- Mark Hall

I planned on squeezing in a nap before Chapel, but for the past couple of days somethings weighed heavily on my mind. I haven't blogged much lately for several reasons. Lately it's been difficult to simply collect my thoughts or make sense of my thoughts enough to pour them out. I also have had a fear of sounding whiney, or being the debbie downer blog. 

However, when I laid down to take a nap I just couldn't rest without putting my thoughts out there. This past Sunday my pastor did a sermon on forgiveness. The forgiveness we should show towards others, ourselves; and the forgiveness God has given to us.  There are things I have bottled up, things that I hide, and maybe if we all got real honest you'd all agree and could say the same for yourselves. When we walked in we were given a rock, which in the end represented something we were holding on to. Our faults, our failures, someone who wronged us, you put a name and face on it... but basically whatever it was that was hindering you from being right with God.

I went down front. I went down like I have several times before. Everytime I've felt like I've finally "let go" it always seems to catch up back up with me. It's never that I don't really want to let go, its never that I don't sincerely pray and take action on it, but I think I've finally put my finger on something that plays a key role in it all. I've always grown up knowing all there is to know. Knowing what it is to have faith, knowing what it is to have God's grace and mercy. Since Sunday, obviously I'm feeling like I picked that rock back up, and maybe a couple more along the way. I've had a few talks with people about the matter and came to what I feel is the problem. Sometimes I think its not that we don't sincerely want  to let go, or that we don't do what we ought to do, but rather we put too much emphasis on what WE are to do rather than what God has promised and can do.  Its a funny thing since its not a new concept to me. I've learned through several circumstances and from a very good friend of mine that our faith should never be in what we can do but what God can do.  Ultimately WE can't let go of whatever it is. Ultimately our minds cannot wrap around the idea of grace, simply because its not something thats logical. When we put too much ourselves into it, we let our logic get in the way. Grace is something we can never fully understand. Faith is something we can never fully understand. Letting go is something we can never fully do if we don't trust God to intervene. I understand that we have to play a role, we have to forgive, we have to move forward; but how can we do that without Christ? 

For me personally I'm finding that my faith is weak and deffinetly not directed where it should be. I think its safe to say when we find ourselves unable to let go, and to press forward from something holding us back after we've already asked for that forgiveness, that we aren't fully trusting that God has forgiven us. When we find ourselves unable to forgive ourselves, we aren't fully allowing God to break down the walls he's dying to take down. We we find ourselves unable to forgive ourselves, we aren't letting God be God in all of our lives, and we are diminishing God's true power to conquer anything and everything in our lives. I don't say all that as someone whose mastered this, but someone dying to let God be God; and know that no matter what I do or don't say He is still who He is, and is capable of so much more than I can fathom.  I just thought I'd share my mixed thoughts!

"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with enteral glory. The saying is trustworthy, for: 

If we have died with him, we will also live with him;

if we endure, we will also reign with him;

if we deny him, he also deny us;

if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself"

2 Timothy 1:10-13

God is still God! He cannot deny himself!!!

Tolerance or LOVE?

There is something that I don't quite understand. Maybe someone can help me out here (although I know the number of people who glance on this page is few)

There are things in my life I've grown up knowing to be wrong. Drinking, sex outside of marriage, cheating, lying , stealing, homosexuality. As I've grown up though I've started to view people who partake in such things a little differently. Maybe its because I've made my mistakes, and failed miserably several times to do the right thing. Maybe its because I know first hand what its like for a person to love you no matter what you've done or where you've been. When I say that I don't just mean Christ (although he does, and that amazes me daily), I'm also speaking of some amazing people he has placed specifically in my life. I see these people as lost and in need of love and truth more than I do the need for them to be "put in their place". I see brokenness, I see pain. I see people who haven't had the luxury of growing up with these truths instilled in them.

November 7th a group called soulforce is coming to Central Baptist College. 

Their Mission statement is this: "The mission of Soulforce is to cut off homophobia at its source -- religious bigotry. Soulforce uses a dynamic "take it to the streets" style of activism to connect the dots between anti-gay religious dogma and the resulting attacks on the lives and civil liberties of LGBT Americans. We apply the creative direct action principles taught by Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. to peacefully resist injustice and demand full equality for LGBT citizens and same-gender families."

Though I do not agree with what they preach I can catch a glimpse of maybe where their hearts are at. The Jesus I know through scripture was among the sinners. From greedy tax collectors, to prostitutes, to women with five husbands, to a man who persecuted and stoned Christians, Jesus was there. Though I don't agree with the way they make transgender relationships to be right, I do agree with the love factor. Though we shouldn't condone a person's sin, we shouldn't cut them off completely from Christ's love. If we are called to be holy, because He is holy. If we were made in his image called to be christ like, why are we throwing these people off of our campus? Yes they are coming uninvited. Yes they may be in our faces. Yes what they practice isn't true, but have we forgotten the truth in what WE practice? Or do we practice it all, or just bits and pieces? I fully believe that if Christ were here today he would love on these people like crazy, just dying to shed some light on the truth. However, I am very aware of the fact we have meetings going on during the exact same time period. I'm very aware that it would cause a lot of conflict, so for that reason I understand asking them to leave. But its everyones attitudes about them coming that really puts me on the edge of my seat right now.  I guess I'm just frustrated. Christians today mare the face of Christ so much ( myself included).

 Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be so defensive and jumpy. I for one don't claim to know it all, or have it all together.... but I just have this notion that there is a better way to approach this then so many students are. In know way I'm directing this towards the staff, I understand why they are doing what they are doing. But why trash them? Why look on with hateful eyes? What do we gain from that? What does God's kingdom gain from that?  

Yes its organizations like this that give christianity a bad name. Its organizations like those that wave signs of dead babies, or signs that say "God hates you". God loves these people. Did God hate us before we became to know him personally? I'd say one of the simplest, most amazing scripture verses would beg to differ (John 3:16).  So don't get me wrong, I disagree. I believe abortion is wrong, just as much as I believe homosexuality is wrong; but I also disagree with the way so many people today approach it. We are no better then them we attack from angles left and right. 

I apologize if i offended anyone. I apologize if I came off rude or pushy, or a know it all. I most certainly don't know it all. For all I know I could be way of base. But like I said before, something just doesn't feel right about the way people approach these people. Our God is a God of wrath, love, and mercy. However, its not our place to condemn. It's our place to love the sinner and hate the sin. Thoughts? Because I'm not quite sure what to think.

Seeing Through Your Eyes:

I saw myself today

in the faces of the broken

Lord, I should have spoken

but I saw myself.. in all my former glory

The me I hate, the me who drug you through the mud

Do away with what I tell myself I need to be

Your the one my soul craves to please

Wipe away the past and all its shortcomings 

Give me you Lord

be King in this life 

thats hanging on like a kite upon a string

I saw myself today in the faces of the broken

Lord I should have spoken

but I saw myself... in all my former glory

Come back in to my dormant heart

and cover me with your beauty and grace

(show me your face)

I saw you today in the hearts of the broken

as they poured their lives down at your feet

For a moment, I forgot about me..

To the Broken:

Right now I'm supposed to be typing up my first college essay. Instead I find myself ready to pour out several different emotions in my mind and on my heart right now.

This week has been consumed by various mixed emotions. If its not one person, its the other. From depression, self-hatred and crazy ex's, to being homesick, loosing touch with old friends, and struggling finding the right ones, I've found everywhere constantly someone is fighting a battle within and without. 

A lot of my week has been just that. If you read my recent blogs, you'd see that... so I won't go into detail on any of it. Even as someone who has fought her battles, I sit here tonight struggling to find the the right words to express the need to hold on. Maybe its more simple then we'd like to think. Maybe our finite minds assume that it has to be complicated. Our God is a complex God, but I believe more than anything that His Love and Truth is as simple as this : He loves you just as you are, He is the same God on the Mountain tops, as he is in the valleys, He is the only way, and He is sovereign over anything you may be facing.

To the depressed, insecure, self-hate motivated people... you feel you just can't cut it : I went a long time without waking up to those simple truths God was trying to remind me of. I fought with satan and the demons within for a long time before I finally realized how simple it had been all along.  " God loves me. Despite everything I've done? I get that. I don't want His love, I don't deserve it."  First of all, this way of thinking will send you in and endless circle and you'll never get to the end the lists of reasons why you don't deserve His love.  None of us could. The simple truth is this: " there is no greater love than this, than a man to lay down his life for his friend." Its been shown to us from the very beginning. Take the sunday school lesson you learned when you were 5 years old and apply it to here and now. Its as simple as that. Oh how I wish we could see through the eyes of a child. God= Love. God's love is so amazing, so divine, so genuine that he sent his perfect sinless son, who became human.... stooped down to our level and died for our wretched souls. It really is, that simple.

To those broken beyond, compare... the stresses of the life are just weighing you down:

I've seen your tears. I've heard your stories. I've felt an ache in my heart, and am left without adequate words to stop your tears. If there is one thing I've learned -- there is a time for everything. A time to weep, a time to mourn... a time to build up, and a time to tear down. So this is your time to weep. God never promised it would be easy. Some of the things people have dealt with recently I will never be able to comprehend or understand exactly why they happened. Some of things that have gone on, I've wondered and questioned if my little faith could measure up to the situation at hand. Then I realized something, its not the size of our faith, its the size of our God. Granted, the size of our faith has a lot to do with the size of our God. I took a step back and realized this: the same God who can wipe away every sin, every wrong doing, every fear and doubt.. can wipe away your pain as well. Yes in some instances, there will be a hole, a scar. From watching others, from hearing stories from so many broken people and watching them rise above the ashes from a fire that would normally consume a person completely, I've seen a glimpse of how huge He really is. When our faith is resting in that, we won't ever get let down. A friend told me that once, a long time ago, someone I strongly admire. It couldn't ever ring more loudly in my mind than it does right now. You see, she was broken too. She was put in a situation where you just want to scream why?!  Its girls like her, its the people God provided me with that have constantly been driving that truth way deep down inside of me, to where I find myself  no longer able fight the simplicity of Gods everlasting Love.

 

When you just can't see the light. When you really just can't seem to find peace. Remember your God. Sounds so cliche doesn't it? Sounds to simple? It is just that simple. This week I found myself starting to doubt I can really pull of this college life. I struggled with doubts that I have all along. This week God has also opened my eyes to those around me. I've been slapped in the face by what hes awakened my soul to see. Yes Bekah, others hurt too, and in ways you can't fathom, so hold on.

A while back. Sometime during the summer. My mom showed me the Louie Giglio video "How Great is our God". I think it was then and there where my heart really started dropping down into a melting pit of grace. Yes, I've fought, struggled , and failed numerous time since that moment. The video went into a lot of scientific detail about evidence of God, our galaxies and how huge they are. Sitting there in the living room, shaking, in tears, I felt like a microscopic organism. I was swept away. All the fears, doubts, struggles, pride, selfishness mushed together into a pile of repentance as God laid in front of me the power of his love and mercy. It all amounted to nothing to the majesty that surpassed it all. A God so huge, that there are things my eyes simply can't see. From the air we breathe, to the galaxies that go further beyond than what we'll ever know, our God is amazing. After watching that, I went to sleep. As I lied wide awake in bed, in finally arose and cried out to God, and wrote this:

" There are no words -- take my heart and let it sing"

Everlasting

Mighty Savior

take my heart, and let it sing

My stone cold heart has frozen solid

I need the warmth of Your love to thaw me

theres no more running, no more fighting

On my hands and knees

You've awestruck me once more

Take my heart, take my life

I can no longer deny this love surrounding

its written on everything (things my eyes can and cannot see)

take my heart and let it sing.

So tonight. Sit back, and remember who He is, and his simple truth, and His never failing promises.

*** How appropriate that these thoughts come pouring out on the anniversary of a very tragic day. There are many broken people, who are dealing with a whole lot of pain today. Hold on. I don't what its like to be where you are, but hold on. Your God, He will sustain you.

Remember 9/11

"And I am lifted by your love to sing... it's your mercy that has made me free!"

There is something about driving around with the top down ( or windows if your not as spoiled as I) and listening to Leeland. Have I told you lately how amazing and genuine their music is? I've been listening to it for about a week now and it has yet to grow old. Check them out.

I had an off day yesterday and instead of praising God I drove home in silence from a friend's house. As I sit here in my dorm, I'm aware of a few things. One: my moods fluctuate way too often, Two: I don't apply what I know often enough, and Three: God is even more beautiful in this moment as He was the last time I fell flat on my face, which was not long ago. The other day I was driving ( listening to Leeland) and I glanced in my rearview mirror to find a man praising God with all he had. My first feeling was what a friend recently called "holy goosebumps". My second, "Oh gosh I hope he doesn't close his eyes and ram into the back of me." Only joking. Actually no, but to see what I saw in that moment would have been worth it. Its not often you find it. Its not often we look. Even more disappointing, its not often we become captivated by our God ourselves. 

Two days ago I found myself in tears, taken back by how far God had brought me. The next night I found myself in tears, wrapped up in sin. Today was much like last night. I slept way too late: had class at 9:25, and rolled out of bed at 9:15. Luckily, the day still ran smoothly, granted I walked around like the zombie I once knew not too long ago. Now I find myself with dry cheeks (listening to Leeland), pouring out this to simply press the same thing as my last post. God is and always will be the same beautiful, loving, forgiving , yet selfish God he always has been. Bringing you back to Him , may not always be easy on us ( and why should it?) , but He will make himself first. The choice is ours. Though the road to get to where God will have us requires attacks from many different directions, there is one thing that will always remain true: God is sovereign. Cling to His never ending, unchanging, exquisite mercy and grace.

If we look around us, He is there. He is dying to remind us that He is there. Though we may not always feel his presence , He longs for us to search it out. He will not leave us high and dry, He will not leave us to fend for ourselves, He will protect us. As long as we bear in mind that his ways are not ours, and even more so , his timing is not ours. On your good days, praise Him. On your bad days ADORE Him. 

God is God, and always will be. Even in our weakness, or should I say especially in our weakness. We just need to search Him out. The choice is ours.

When the storm is raging all around me 
You are the peace that calms 
My troubled sea 
And the cares of this world 
Darken my day 
You are the light that shines 
And shows me the way 

Oh, the beauty of Your majesty 
On the cross You showed Your love for me! 

-- Leeland ( Beautiful Lord )

 

The God who was, who is, and always will be. The Savior of my wretched soul.

I met a woman in class whose happily married with children. We casually talked and joked a little. Then she told me something that made me laugh at my insignificant insecurities. She not only took the brave step of returning to school, but did so after dropping out of High School a long time ago.

I carried that with me through the rest of the day, because for months I've been telling myself I'm crazy to think I can actually do it, that its simply too hard. The past two years of high school I dealt with a lot of demons within: hatred, insecurity, anything negative and you might find it in the inner-workings of my tainted heart.  I graduated by the grace of God and a backbone of supportive family and friends, yet still didn't stand up and shout praise to Him for it. Instead I turned within, and told myself I wasn't worth the cause, He shouldn't keep bringing me this far. 

To spare all the gore, I'll skip some things and leave it at this : I was broken to what I considered to beyond compare and I found out, that I knew nothing of what being truly broken was until He broke me of myself. I've always known the right things to say, the right things to do; but the things God has shown me the past year of my life couldn't be taught by a professor, a preacher, a sunday school teacher, not even Billy Graham. He simply taught me this: Regret, guilt, and feeling you aren't worth His time is a slap in His beautiful face. Yes, I have heard these things before, I've known it all along. Unfortunately, but thankfully, I learned the hard way...God ripped through my heart until he got to the center and made Himself sovereign.  By no means do I "have it all together" , and I never will. In fact I tonight I sat in tears for the overwhelming anxiety the past couple weeks have caused: balancing new friendships and old, being a me I never though I could, maintaing a relationship and growing in Christ, and trying to apply study skills I'm beginning to think I never learned. However, God knew I couldn't do this alone and He is constantly providing, and amazingly just at thought of thinking " I can't do this"... He is always there reminding me of some simple truth...

God is God of our triumphs and our failures. What God offers isn't something we could ever deserve. If the God of the universe stoops down, and opens up His arms, leap into them and embrace it with all your might.  By focusing on what was, and why you don't deserve His love and mercy... or how you failed miserably to honor His name, your wasting time and your telling Him he isn't worth the effort. When you step back and realize your guilt and regret is selfish, it is there you find that God never left, never moved.  When you feel its impossible, when you think you just can't do it, stop looking to yourself. Look to others, and especially look to God. In a casual conversation God reminded me of what he has constantly been driving in me: He is God, He is worthy, and with Him all things are possible. 

There is a verse that fits it perfectly. That some would call over used or popular. But often time I think we miss out on some very important aspects of what it holds.

In Philipians Paul is talking to those who are acheing for Paul and his troubles and he says this:

" I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

                Philipians 4:10-13

From a whole lot of experience Paul knew the key to a life with joy. The secret... the answer, to really making that change is simply Christ. Notice how it doesn't say " I can do all things easily through Christ who strengthens me." In fact it very clearly states " In any and every circumstance....facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." He was brought lower the lowest we could imagine; he committed sins that wouldn't be forgiven by the God we place in our minds sometimes. I'm finally realizing that I'm contradicting who God is and what He has promised by not accepting his offer to come and die to who I was. Have we not forgotten that Gods forgiveness surpasses it all? In your worst of times, and in your best of times, He remains. Through your failures and your triumphs, He remains. God will and always be the same God he always has. A beautiful Lord who causes my heart to sink into a pool of love for Him, and its grace thats melted my heart.  

When we finally stop focusing within, and on Him and how huge he is.... everything... just falls right into place, even when our life is chaos.

He remains.