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What I Should Have Said

This week has been packed full of all sorts of emotions! Friday night before the wedding at rehearsal dinner, we were all given the opportunity to say a few words to Nathan and Lynzie and again at the reception the next day. I'm not one for speaking in front of crowds which is indicated in my love for write or in this case typing words. I know the sentiment would have meant more had I worked up that courage but I wanted to get the thoughts out because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude!

So here are some things I should have said (and then some) :

When I first met Lynzie I honestly thought the only thing we'd ever have in common was Jordan Morgan. I saw in her innocence and a gentle heart and at the time it was almost annoying! It didn't take too long before I saw even more gentleness and even more kindness but more than that, that Lynzie Lamb was human too. I watched her walk down roads with Jordan, holding her hand through so many things, that I praised God for, that I prayed for, for a long time. It also didn't take long before I noticed her come along side me and begin to hold my hand as well. It would be an understatment to say she has seen me through so many dark battles. She hasn't just seen me thourgh, she she has been one of God's carriers!

I remember one of the first times I ever had a real conversation with Nathan Brewer. We'd just got done eating in 'the caf' and walking through the student center we linked arms and he said "Lets talk bekah". We plopped down on the couches and as soon as we did He said "So tell me about Lynzie Lamb". Obviously my answer was pretty biased, but as genuine as could be. She's kind, gentle, loving, faithful, loyal, Godly, pure and those are just a few. From there in my mind I couldn't picture them not together. There were obstacles, there were mistakes, but there was grace and there was a love that was so evident from a source that can only be described as one of those "That's God" moments. I grew to love Nathan just as a brother, and loved to tease them and say He was really supposed to be with me! In him, the overused "guys and girls can't be friends" got tossed out the window. Because in him I found a brother that no matter how many times I failed and how much ugilness he saw in me, he looked past it to see the beauty Christ placed in me. I could joke and laugh, but I could also cry and spill my guts. Wait, he kind of sounds like a girl.... well anyway...

There were times of frustration. Times when I wondered if I'd get to hang out with my friend again! The mushy new love stuff seemed to not only be time consuming but a problem for my ever jealous nature. Jealous of the time Nathan got, jealous of the relationship I didn't have. Complete honesty, when I say this week has been packed with so many emotions, I'd shamefully have to say among those are that of jealousy and sadness. Most of us if we are real honest don't like change, even if its for the better, that adjustment period seems to leave us squirming through the awkward stages. In the past two years I've had friends leave the country, get engaged, married, pregnant, graduate from college and grow up to be spiritual giants in my mind. It's been difficult, and I'm sure I've gotten on my friends nerves with my whining.

But so much more than that its been rewarding. Instead of just sitting on the sidelines watching all this growth and love, I got to be a part of it. How many people get to say that?

In Lynzie get to learn what it is to be a proverbs 31 woman. Though she hasn't quite gotten to the kids part yet, I have no doubt in my mind that she will be a terrific mother. I count it a blessing to be one of the last to find love and get married because I get to learn from their mistakes ;). I get to watch how they approach situations and run hard after God first and foremost. I get to come to the realization time and time again that this love they share isn't about the mushy gushy stuff, that really its just an added bonus. That the real love is found in pursuing it the right way, Christ's way. They find their love first in Him. Because of that I know I'm not ready for all the things my friends are experiencing. I'm still fighting, still healing, and still learning. How blessed I am to not do those things alone. Though changes are being made and at times are difficult, I know I can call on any of my family and friends at any point and they'd drop everything.

Lynzie, thank you. You've put up with so much... you've done so much and continue to do so much for me. You are my sister, you are my friend, and a woman that I admire and wish to be like one day. You are woman! ah! Thank you so much for no matter what, being by my side, loving me and loving me with the right kind of love. Thank you for the example you lead, for the purity in your heart and spirit. For saving yourself. For loving God first and trusting Nathan with your heart second. I love you more than words can express and I could go on forever how thankful and proud I am.

Nathan, like I said before, you've become like a brother to me. But then with everyone you encounter you hardly meet a stranger do you? Thank you. Thank you also for loving Christ first, and for loving the mess out of Lynzie second. For being gentle with her heart and guarding her heart and your heart. For being the godly man and friend you are. I know I can' always count on you, and I hope you can say the same! Thanks for making me laugh even in times I sure didn't feel like it. Thanks for being a real with me when I didn't wanna hear it. Thanks for being a friend.

I cannot wait to see the places God takes you, your example and friendship is valued more than you could ever know! I love you.

Blessings In Disguise

Precursor: Be prepared for complete honesty!

" Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."- Romans 12:15

Well hello! I know it has been a while since I've made an actual post. Not sure how long this one will end up being because God's been teaching me some things I wanna share and I also need to update those of you who wander to my page every now and then!

Over the past year or so now God has truly been moving in the lives of those around me. Jordan met and fell in love with the man (who is perfect for her) whom she then married and they are pregnant! Lynzie and Nathan got engaged and are gonna be married this summer! Lynzie is graduating college! My sister is about to have her first child! My mom has lost over 60 pounds! Brooklyn is growing up and is more beautiful day by day! Molly is about to head off to China! So many people my age are getting married!

This list could probably go on but those are just some things that are really sticking out and have been huge to me. Heres the honesty thing that may not be to fun to read much less type. There have been days where I've been completely jealous of each blessing listed above. There have been days when I've questioned and fought with God asking "when will I meet someone? when will you reveal to me your specific calling on my life? when will my life actually start?". There have been days when I didn't wanna be around those people because I was so self absorbed that it hurt to be around it. Don't get me wrong, of course I was happy for them, but definitely not as I should have been!

A couple of weeks ago I got some really great news! I was so excited, couldn't stop smiling and then a familiar thought entered my head " oh thats great for them , but what about....me? "

Not soon after that thought there was a rebuttal that went a little like this: If God blessing those you love doesn't directly bless your heart, you should question your hearts motive. Convicting.

Scripture talks a lot about the body of Christ, that together we make up one body. Some are the arms, the legs, the head, and some are smaller and don't seem as important but you couldn't really function to the best of your ability without. I like to think of people He has specifically placed in my life that way. Not to tip toe the line of finding meaning and satisfaction in them, but finding joy and encouragement. We need each other. That next Sunday Jason preached an awesome message and God pointed me to a scripture that has been on my heart since. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."- Romans 12:15. Makes since doesn't it? Shouldn't we rejoice when one member of our very own body is being completely blessed by God? Absolutely!

If we think rejoicing is often hard, we shouldn't take light to the second part of that verse. Just as soon as great news can come, bad news can follow pretty quickly. That it did. It hasn't been the best week because of it, there has been weeping and God has shown me how quickly rejoicing can turn to mourning. How important it is to be in tune with ALL parts of the body. I've wanted to post on these thoughts for a while but couldn't gather them all too well. Because this part stumped me. Its difficult to rejoice for one person who is experiencing awesome things and weep with another who isn't. But then God came with another rebuttal: the Cross. By death he overcame. John 16:33 says that we will have trouble but to take heart, He has overcome the world! 1 Peter 3:18 says, "For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit"

In my mind it took me back to the idea that we are to be a reflection of Christ, in His image. Can you imagine the weight he bore daily? So many people, so many blessings but also so many tragedies. It was good to stop and remember that he was God in the flesh. He didn't just look human or talk human he WAS human. In that he felt burdens just as we do and in a much more heavy way. I know that isn't a great answer to the posed question of how to rejoice with one and weep with another, but all I know is that He did it. So by that I know my answer is always Him. Sunday school? I guess... but we can't truly rejoice, truly weep, truly be what the body need us to be if we are not first plugged in to the source, the life, the heartbeat of that body: Him.

So on this good friday rejoice! He has overcome! In Him all things are possible, but only in Him. Friends , Family I'm completely blessed by you and thank God for you. I'm am directly blessed by God to be apart of these awesome events going on in each of your lives and am so honored. I truly mean that. Through your relationships I know God is giving me an awesome opportunity to watch Godly marriages in the making. To learn, to prepare, to be the kind of women you are. Thank you for being who you are and following His plans for your life. I love you.

Life has begun. I'm awake, I'm alive, I am blessed. I may be 22, single, work in a shoe store. But I'm also an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and most importantly a daughter of the King who is worthy to be praised. I'm moving, I am waiting, I'm rejoicing, I am weeping, I am loving, I am loved, and I can't wait to see what He has in store.

**********

In 2 months and 4 days I have lost 16 pounds total.

All because of Him and my awesome encouragers I get to call family and friends!

You know me, You love me

" You know me, You love me" (Psalm 139)

You formed my inward parts

you love me still

You search out my path and lying down

...acquainted with all my ways

you love me still

why do I seek for love and acceptance in appearance of strong faith?

This plastic fruit

this love pursuit

its folly in the end

You know my rising

my lying down

you love me just the same

You see my weakness

my selfish desires

Your love, O Lord, abounds the more

Oh to love how you love me

I cannot comprehend

this grace, this mercy

when I'm so dirty

help me to find the end

The end of me

my selfish ways

to somehow fit a mold

that I create and imitate

to find someone to hold

But you hold me

from birth till now

the mold you knitted then

is still at work

despite this sin

with grace I see within

A deeper cause

A deeper love

that no man can achieve

why do I seek for love and acceptance in appearance of strong faith?

This plastic fruit

this love pursuit

its folly in the end

You formed me

You saved me

You raised me

You know me,

You love me all the same

till your kingdom come may I live as wonderfully as I was made

to your glory and your renown

to love you all the same

Choose Life.

"Remember, you do the choosing. God working in you, as you allow Him entrance, makes it happen in your life."- Stomrie Omartian

"The plans of the heart belong to man,
but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord."- Proverbs 16:1

Well hello blog world. Today is Thursday, March 17 which is exactly one month since I began my journey in the physical aspect of healing. In one month I have lost 8 pounds, and feeling healthier, obviously feels pretty good. I was shooting for 10 but am proud of myself and thankful for strength provided. I started a book called "Lord I want to Be Whole" by Stormie Omartian and the quote at the very top is from it. While simple, it holds a lot of truth... a truth I've come to cling to and remind myself daily.

Life throws us a lot. Satan throws us a lot. And often, God puts us through things to grow us or bring us to a place we could never imagine in the end. Regardless of the source of the mess you find yourself in, there is always purpose and always a CHOICE. Thats a hard thing to swallow most of the time given that as humans we'd rather wallow in our mess and throw up our hands. Myself, I tend to make plans.. if I fail or mess up in anyway it feels hopeless. Truth is in this past month I couldn't sit here and tell you that I NEVER missed a day working out, but what I can tell you is for the first time I chose to get up and try again the next day. I know that we aren't always promised tomorrow, I know that we should always try to be at our best, but I've learned more lately to count the mercies of a new day as a huge blessing. Not to excuse ways you've failed, not to live however you want, but to learn and try harder the next day.

While God has a plan for our lives, we choose what we do. Often times we can't choose how we feel or whats done to us, but we can always choose how we handle it and if we get back up again. I'm not sure what version she used in the book but in proverbs 16:1 it said "preparations" instead of plans. There is so much more work to be done, so much more rest, so much more healing and love and forgiveness to both receive and give.... but regardless of the amount of time that takes I'm simply asking that he prepare me for that. I'm preparing my mind, my heart to choose life. Sounds silly, but its so very crucial right now and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to do just that.

22 pounds to go!

Outward eyes

Two nights ago at the gym I was having a bit of a slow night. I was feeling a bit discouraged and throwing a bekah pity party, invitation and attendance: me. While I was lifting weights I kept glancing over in the mirror feeling self conscience... so many girls in there able to do much more ( run longer, lift more, and of course look better). I kept looking at myself in the mirror thinking to myself this is going to take forever. Finally the last time I glanced I looked past myself and my attention turned to a larger lady. Before anyone gets offended I'm just being completely honest here... she was quite a large lady. I watched for a minute as she went to town on the elliptical and smiled.

After that my thoughts shifted from me to questions like "I wonder what her story is....how she got where she is and what finally motivated her to come here". Lets be real, obesity is a serious problem today and is mostly caused by laziness. But lets look deeper too. Everyone has that pet sin, something you seem to always come back to. Every one has ways of coping. Everyone has something...and that something is a part of who they are and what they struggle with. I know when I'm down and being a girl a piece of chocolate cake sounds amazing, as does a bag of popcorn and a chick flick. This woman didn't just wake up one day and realize she was overweight, it happened over time. In the same way we don't just wake up one day and realize we are in a life full of sin, it happens over time (slow fade by casting crowns is now playing in your head right?). Well it is mine.

I'd like to say since then my confidence level has not decreased, that I haven't gotten discouraged, but I can't. However, I can say that its made me more prone to push those thoughts aside and stop looking inwardly. In this walk of healing its been plain to me that inward eyes have got me caught in a pit. Regardless of whether its thinking much or little of ourselves... its easy to get lost in ourselves; so much so that we magnify our pain. Looking away for just a moment pushed me to work harder that night and every night since. How sad it is that I get caught up in my mess instead of realizing how much mess is all around me. How thankful I am that God reminds me to stop and look. Doing life together, sharing our stories, and loving each other through those messes... thats what its all about. My prayer is that I find myself in that place of compassion again.

Give me a heart of compassion

to count others more significant than me

to see to the needs of others

and tear down this sin that covers

It blinds my eyes

only I remain

I make much of the mundane

More of you

less of me

Open my eyes

so I might see

Their hurt, their pain

their story, their scars

What binds them to sin

Help me to love again

Your grace, your healing

your story, your scars

you bind us in your love

It should be more than enough...

To open our eyes.

****

On a not so serious note:

Progress physically:

* Lost 7 pounds

* Ran 4 minutes w/o stopping mon

* Ran 6 mins w/o stopping tues.

* Ran 8 mins w/o stopping wed.

* Tomorrow it will be 10

( I know that sounds little but this girl is OUT of shape and is making progress : ) )

For everything, there is a season

" Hope" (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ; Isaiah 40:7-8)

A plush green field

one bare tree

a winters season has left me cold

but life is all around me and your love binds me still to thee

Though seasons pass

and people change

You, oh Lord, stay the same

As time goes by and it's warm again

hope arises with each new day

Leaves bloom

out of a winters gloom

growth is evident once more

Back to our roots

where we find you

the deeper we go

You pull us through

to the heart of this life

to the unwavering hope that remains

To you, in you, through you we go on

Though "the grass withers" and "the flower fades...the word of our God will stand forever."

Well its been a little while since I've last updated so I decided to share my heart from this past weekend. In case you were curious the diet has been going well, I went away to visit a very dear friend this weekend so I was told it's always okay to splurge while vacationing ;)

However, its back to the gym tomorrow and I can't wait!

Though I've been so far away lately and run from the only source of hope and strength that is solid, He still has provided. This trip came at just the right time. A time get away, to laugh, to smile and to be smothered in love by a beautiful daughter of the King! My very dear friend, Kristen main will soon be heading off to Mexico, a place that God has placed so heavily on her heart. Though I do not deserve it, God ministered to me this weekend through her. I've never met someone who loves more passionately than her. She would argue this, but I can justify it but pointing back to the one I know has provided. He knew just what all of us needed this weekend.

Now for a bit on the poem I opened with. On our way back today after tears, hugs, and goodbyes we drove by countless open fields. Needles to say, as far as scenery goes its a pretty boring drive. Despite that, you'd come across random fields with beautiful green grass. You know that kind we haven't seen in so long!? In one field in the middle of the grass stood one lone tree. Though life was all around it, life was not evident on its branches. My mind just got to wondering away with that thought and how often I am that lone tree, surrounded by life but not truly living. Every winter depression kicks in like the unwelcomed enemy you don't remember inviting in. I feel its a daily thing, but this season is one where I feel its at its "heaviest". It drags, I go into defensive seclusion mode, and tend to push away those closest to me. I don't know if every winter will be the same, I don't know how long it will be a struggle of mine... it could very well be forever. However, I believe now despite pain that God is still the same God in this season that he has always been. I believe that if it's something I struggle with forever, he will provide ways to push past it, to cope, to avoid the pit I dig.

I don't know what it is for you. But we all have seasons in life that seem to drag and drain the most out of us... to where if we are real honest, it seems absolutely hopeless. I'll be the first to tell you there are times in dark places that I'd say there wasn't hope...knowing full well at the root of it all, Hope remains the same. Wherever your at, whether your in a season of joy or pain I urge you to cling to Him first and foremost. Thats what He is teaching me all over again, daily it seems. Its true that God puts us through seasons to teach us, grow us, and bring us closer to Him... and today I saw that in His creation and loved playing a verse through my mind back to my "roots" if you will. That His word stands forever. He stands forever.

The next hours that followed on the trip home went from a silly question game to very personal heartfelt questions. In vulnerable moments each person shared as I stared out the window, eyes filled with tears heart heavy with both gratitude and guilt... He is God, all the time. So though so many things are painful and to be honest with you it'd be so much easier to quit, Christ will always be for me... so I have no reason to.

I hope if your reading this you are encouraged in some way, and I hope that you hold on to his hope wherever you are at..."..... Christ in you, the hope of glory." ( Colossians 1:27)

Beginnings. and some rambling.

Well hello! It's been a while...

I'm gonna try something out. Today I began a "diet" if you will. But really it was just the beginning of lots of other things in my life that need to be shed. I feel if I daily, or at least weekly (since I'm horrible at it) share my heart with transparency knowing people are reading, or that they have the ability to, it'll hold me accountable. I don't know yet if I'm transparent enough to share my starting weight just yet but lets just say my goal is to lose 30.

This morning didn't go as planned. My mom for months now has been getting up and going to the gym every morning at 5:00. She is so commited and I'm so stinking proud of her. Just all the more reason to want to be like her. Anyway! I was supposed to go with her this morning and yean...thaaaat didn't happen. Normally its something that would discourage me to the point of just saying "eh I'll just not do it at all now". Silly I know, but remember I'm being transparent here. But today I made one simple choice before leaving the house. I simply told myself I'd do my best to make it a good day, and I would find someone to go to the gym with me that night.

Well as my day was winding down I get a text from Jordan asking me to come to bible study that night. It's been a long while since I've been but the thought had crossed my mind several times that day but I knew I wanted to work out, so that was my excuse. Well pregnant ladies like to work out too! May sound silly to some, but I know that God had his hand in that, and to me with so much weighing on me it just felt freeing. Never underestimate the simplicty of the little things you do for someone. Flash back to high school and ask me if I'd be walking on a tredmill next to Jordan Morgan (Summers) and her be pregnant of all things, and I'd laugh in your face! One word to describe her, if I had to chose, Faithful. And I have to brag. I have to, because I can deffinetly justifty this public applaud by pointing it back to God... and that warms my heart more than I can explain. He has been faithful, and has proven his faithfulness through her life and friendship time and time again.

Tonight at bible study we happened to hit on one of my favorite psalms, psalm 51. It's become one of my favorite over the years shamefully because its comforting to know "a man after God's own heart" was broken in that way before God over the mess He got himself into. I've gotten myself into a WHOLE lot of messes, and He is constantly pulling me out. There is only so much pulling there though. Not to say he couldn't but like we read tonight the heart must be willing. In some small way I took a step towards that today. This is a bunch of jumbled up thoughts and ramblings and for all I know no one will read this, however, if you are than your about to join me on a journey down a road of healing. Something thats always helped me is to write. It's been a while since I had but last night I sat down and did for the first time in months. Just got to a point where I had to stop thinking about my situation, and more about the fact that He has overcome that and then some.... and that, is a beautiful thing.

"Grace" ( 2/16/11 )

Irrational

Illogical

unfair

...depression

Infects your thoughts

touches every part

sneaks up from the dark

pulls away from the light

its just not right

Alone tonight

no one around

I toss, I turn, I cry

Unfair!

A self inflicted wound buried deep takes hold

like a cancer to my soul

I give it control

It stings it burns

a lesson not learned..

Irrational

Illogical

Unfair!!

....Grace

Alone that night

No one around

they taunted, they spat

and mocked the holy ground

A wound inflicted by his children

pours out the blood of the grace that would heal them

We stumble

we stray

we begin to believe the lie that life is about getting what you deserve

He stumbled

He stayed

on path to calvary

by his wounds we are healed...

He got what we deserved

Irrational

Illogical

unfair

Beautiful,

Grace.

Lessons "re-learned", a slap yourself in the face if you will.

Have you ever gone throw old blogs or posts, read something you wrote and slapped yourself in the face? That may sound completely "big headed" or silly but it definetly happened tonight. I don't mean that I read it thinking oh this is something I don't know or have never heard, or that I had written something so prophetic, but that I happened to stumble upon a truth I've always known but have shamefully neglectaed. The sad thing is, its obvious after I had written it I didn't hold on to it tight enough. However, it will always remain true and it will always bring hope, a time of redemption and change is always at our finger tips, thats why its called grace. So better to say God slapped me in the fact tonight, given these words and thoughts, are not my own. It's long but it convicted me in a very huge way tonight so I thought I'd share even though its still out there, here it is again.

12/27/07 " A Time to Tear Down and a Time to Build Up"

Around the same time each year the ever so festive holiday, Christmas comes, which is then quickly followed by the New Year, a time for “change”. Gift buying, gift exchanging, decorating, baking; followed by cramming that last piece of pie down your throat before you make a resolution to cut back on those sweets. Throughout the year, it’s what a lot of people anticipate, yet for some, it is a time of grief and pain. I thank God I don’t know the pain of what it’s like to be without a loved one during the holidays. No, I thank God for not having to know the pain of dealing with it daily. It’s those who struggle with it yet fight to find the joy, and have it abundantly, that inspire this overflow of thoughts even more.

This time of year does often bring about a lot of deeper meaning, deeper thinking. But this year in particular I sit back and try to look at this Holiday from every angle and fill in the gaps where I go wrong. That may sound crazy, but within just this past week leading up to this very day my minds been wandering to different places. Before I go on, don’t get me wrong, I love this time of year: the lights, the singing, the joy and laughter, spending time with family and friends, celebrating the birth of Christ, and the list could go on for quite some time. I enjoy it all, but there is something that strikes me not only about Christmas, but about ringing in the New Year as well.

Growing up, I’ve always been taught that “Christ is the reason for the season”, and that he is. However, for the first time in a while I’ve seemed to look underneath it all and wonder what exactly Christmas is too those who don’t have families, don’t have Christ … if they’re lonely, bitter, angry confused, or if it’s just another day. As someone whose been incredibly blessed in her life, this time of year, this year has shed a whole new light. It’s not like I haven’t heard it all before, thought these things, but bit by bit its all stringing together. I’ve gone my whole life knowing the true meaning of Christmas, the truth of his birth, his death, his resurrection. There have been very few times within my life where the way I was living has simply screamed of those things. How is it that a person that can be so selfish and prideful is blessed beyond measure, with not only material wealth, but spiritual wealth… a family who’s founded in Christ, yet you may find the humblest of men without a home or family? How is it that we as Christians only put everything on hold, forget about the many things we busy ourselves with, and our minuscule problems , just once a year? There is nothing on this earth to me that beats feeling the warmth I do with my family and my friends, in joy, but why must the buck stop here? Sure, family from out of town must go, we’re sad to see them go, yet some of us don’t take the time to make a quick phone call or type a quick email throughout the year. Like a lot of things in our lives, it’s like we bundle it up, the anticipation, excitement and joy, all until the month of December. Why observe Christ birth only on Christmas time? Why be joyful and merry just a couple days in the month of December? Yes, life gets hectic, it’s easy to be joyful and merry on Christmas … it’s in the air, and things are calm.

Our God is not a circumstantial God. His word, his love, his truth, never falters. So why must the joy he has commanded of us do so? Though we mock him with the way we live our lives day in and day out, he stays the same. We come to him on Christmas, on Easter, and we celebrate him for all he is and all he has done. We make our “New Years Resolutions” to honor him with our lives and turn away from the habits we can’t seem to shake. Why, oh why are we a people so driven by ours selfish emotions? Quite honestly, the “I’m human” bit can’t do us much justice. We are taken by the feeling Christmas brings. We are taken by the chance to “start fresh” in the year. But why not be taken back everyday by just the chance to live in Him? Why put off every chance we have for change, let it pile up, and then finally decide to make those changes on new years. Does anyone even keep new years resolutions? I’m sure it’s been done by many, but the majority I’d be surprised if it lasts a week.

In literature, the resolution in the story is when the conflict in the story is sorted through. In life resolution is to resolve something, to analyze a complex notion into a simpler one, it is the act of determining. This year and every year from here on out my resolution is to never have a new year’s resolution again. Am I against it? No. However, Gods commandments convict me right now more than ever, to strive for change daily. We are all changing constantly, at different paces yes, but we all are. The choice is ours, to give our utmost all year long for his glory, or to slowly fade and change for the worse. To praise his name, to adore the son that bore our sins, or to lazily fall into a pool of emptiness and numbness. To realize the first step towards change is to stop making plans and resolutions and just simply do it. This part isn’t supposed to be made complicated. I really feel he made it simple for this very reason. He may be a complex, all powerful God that we will never be able to comprehend, but his commandments, his love are crystal clear. For years I’ve complicated something that simply put, only God can do. The change in us is a God who will give us the strength to carry on. The change in us, is a God who is worthy of all glory, honor and praise, day in , day out, every three hundred and sixty five days of every year until we can be with him eternally. We will fail; we will fall short, but the getting back up will be that much more worth it. When the lights are taken down, the decorations put away, and the family sent home, don’t let that joy slip away. When life gets hard and hectic do not stay where you fall. When it’s all stripped away, do we stand as someone who makes it all about him? Let God be the change you wish to see in yourself.
Oh God, please be the change in me.

Small flickers in a heart consumed by darkness. It will light a flame.

It's been no secret that I haven't been "around" lately. Truth be told, I've been struggling with some things that are pretty hard to swallow or much less say out loud. I've spent most of my life over analyzing peoples perceptions of me and situations in themselves...constantly focused on what they think. So often times thats something that makes this something hard to talk about. Depression.

NOW! Thats in all caps to get your attention of course! Before you direct your eyes away from this page in lue of that word and its negative conitation let me offer another one and focus on it instead.. Hope.

Hope comes in many forms...
a smile from someone random on a day you can't find a reason to smile yourself
an encouraging word, letter, card
a rainbow after a storm ( both literally and figuratively)
stars
a sunset
a song
friends who are consitent and persistent.....who love and support no matter what
family
a childs laugh or smile
a childs innocence
an answered prayer
God's word and promises
and most importantly....our salvation
...the list is endless. Stop and think of some yourself too! Its helped.

These past couple of days its come in the form of answered prayers and the act of offering hope to others. I have a friend that I've wanted to minister to for quite some time. It has been months since I've truely got on my knees for her much less anyone else but myself. I knew she neeeded God, and wanted to simply to get her come to our college night! In my absence from many things I've not only been absent physically but absent as a friend, daughter, sister, aunt. A couple of days ago she came to me broken over so many heavy things going on in her life. My heart dropped... I hadn't been there... I hadn't prayed for her in forever... even asked how she was doing. At the end of her vent she took me by surprise when the words " Hey I'm coming to perspective Monday". In my mind I'm thinking " wait...what? I haven't asked you in forever. wow. And didn't you just get done talking about so much hurt" It didn't take long for those thoughts to turn into " wow.....what? God. I've done nothing. Beeen faithless....thats all you."

Hope came in the reminder that He always answers our prayers... even if our human idea of "time" doesn't match up to his. It came in the reminder that even when we are faithless, He is so very faithfull (2 tim 2:11-13). It encouraged me, to know He was still at work even when my life was very dormant, dark, and felt so very hopeless. Am I saying that its okay to be defeated...to stay down and out...to be faithless and live in the dark? No. Have I felt self defeat since this? Heck ya. But do I see more light? Yes. I truely believe these kind of glimpses of hope go on dailey under the radar of our self defeated thoughts in times like that... we just fail to see Him. How cool that He loves us so much to not just remind us every now and then...but constantly? Even when we are living lives of sin and he wants so desperately to rescue us . We shouldn't need to be reminded....but he does...

Stay with me!
Tonight I went to dinner with a friend before Wednesday night church. It had been a while since I'd been to wednesday night so I wasn't sure if I was ready or going to attend. To kill time between dinner and church to make that descion I stopped at CBO to find a book a friend had suggested. I decided as I got in my car I'd go...but as I was pulling out of the parking lot I noticed a man in his mid thirtys standing holding a sign. Last time I saw this....I drove away...I came back with food...and he was gone. I didn't have anything to give him and a bible was one of the first things that came to mind. Taking the chance of him leaving I rushed to the atm nearby, grabbed some money...emptied my bible...slipped the money in and wrote the words " You have Hope" in the front cover. I also slipped an antioch bulletin in, listed the service times and told him to join us. I was so worried I'd come back to see him gone but as I pulled up he was putting his back pack on and about to get on his bike. Perfect timing. God timing.
I rolled down my window and said an awkward Hi. He said hello and smile...and it seemed very warm and genuine. I grabbed my bible and stuck it out the window, he took it looked up and I said "Just look in the front cover". He responded with "God bless you". I said " God bless you and Merry Christmas". Of course now there are so many things I wish I would have said. Like whats your name, is there anyway I can pray for you.

This situation reminded me that God can still use anyone. Even when your broken beaten down and in the dark, He can still use you to offer hope to the hopeless. Do I know if He'll chunk the bible and just take the money? No I don't. Does it matter..? No. What matters is that He saw Christ's love. And I believe thats the only way that was possible tonight. Do I want him to venture to antioch on Sunday? To sit down and read the three simple words and find it in the bound pages? Yes. I pray that he does, and have hope that he will.

Hope I've learned has nothing to do with us or or situations. Hope is unchageable, unmoveable and fights for our attention when we try to hide it from the world. I've got this hope, thats never left even if everything about my current situation and actions have screamed otherwise. I have this hope, and He is unchageable, unmoveable and fights for my attention in blessings I don't deserve to see ....when I decide to hide from the world and keep that hope to myself. Today I say no more. Maybe I'll fail but staying down won't be an option anymore. I don't think I even have that option.
Hope won't allow it.
Hope wins.

I thank God EVERY time I remember you.

This past weekend I went to SOTO, Shepards of the Ozarks, for our college retreat. Over the past couple of weeks I'd been struggling with self a lot. Really looking inward... feeling discouraged and alone and disconnected from friends and family. At SOTO, Joey really tries his best to just give us a time to just relax and get away from the every day pulls and tugs of life. I think spiritually, emotionally, and physically, a lot of us can say it was just what we needed. I know I did.

We did have sessions that were very rewarding and I learned so much from them but one of my most precious times was a time spent alone. We got lots of free time, and even though I wanted to be a part of the hiking and exploring and fellowshipping... something was telling me I needed desperately to steal away and be still with God.

Growing up , dependency on people rather than our Savior took a slow but definite toll on all aspects of my day to day walk. It lacked intimacy with him. Being completely transparent, being intimate with God has become very new to me and has also come with a lot of painful realizations. Of course from time to time and even after a revelation he brought before me I still run back to my tendency to find security in other relationships. But what God's really speaking over my life this weekend and all summer leading up till now, is the importance of an intimate relationship with him and the importance of a wise out look on relationship with others!

In my quiet time with him he led me to 1 Samuel 20. In these passages you'll find a beautiful picture of a beautiful friendship, David and Jonathan. David's life is on the line and he desires to run and seek refuge. He needs Jonathans help. It's not just anyone who is threatning David's life but the king, Jonathan's father!! In short, Jonathan makes a pact with David, ensuring that if what David was telling him was true, David would get away unharmed! The last two verses are what struck me:

" After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together- but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, 'Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord saying, 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever'. Then David left, and Jonathan went back to town" - 1 Samuel 20: 41-42

Before reading this, my heart was in a selfish turmoil. I felt discouraged, neglected and simply not up to par with the friends I've been blessed with. If you are close to me, you may know all to well that I'm my own worst enemy. Though this all sounds very scattered, stick with me. Before reading this, I prayed that God take my focus away from relationships and back to Him. Strangely the very thing he lead me to was a picture of this friendship. I was a little puzzled at first... wondering why God would bring me to this. I needed to focus on Him! Then these verses soaked in...

In tears as I type I cannot count on my fingers the amount of Jonathan's I have in my life. It says in these last couple of verses David bowed before Jonathan as a servant. Notice it says the both wept... but David wept the most. I laugh because I'm emotional, but also because all to well I know the feeling of wanting to fall on my knees, flat on the ground in gratitude for my friends and family. No, not because they've made me who I am or in them alone do I find my hope. But because of their loyalty, obedience, and faithfulness not only to me, but more speicifically our Father.

Then I got slapped. I wish I could say this next paragraph is my words but they so plainly and surely voice what I wish to get out here :

" A friendship that is based on the issue of what someone can do for you is not a true friendship. No person can ever satisfy the longing and need in your life. ONLY JESUS can meet all your needs- spiritual, physical, and emotional. Building friendships requires risk of possible pain and rejection. However, it is worth the risk to find a friendship anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty."

How important it is that we first and foremost find our worth in Him. Its a struggle. Shamefully a big one for me. I praise God so much though for placing friends in my life that ARE anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty. The only way they are that, is because first and foremost their relationship with the Lord is anchored by genuine trust, devotion and loyalty. When lose touch with God, we lose sight of what relationships are about! When connected to him we aren't blinded and we see the blessings are overflowing from those relationships!

All that to make a public apology and thank you. Its a wonder and a shame how I could possibly feel alone and disconnected when I have been seen through so much darkness with a solid rock group of friends and family whom I can only look to Him and say THATS YOU! I don't deserve it. Not one bit. I could wrestle with myself and how I don't feel I belong... I could throw myself a pity party and tell myself I'll never be enough. Or I could embrace the love He's shown. I could embrace the friends and family that say... " You belong, you are enough and I love you."

I'm sorry far to often that I'm not Jonathan. I'm sorry I get selfish. I'm sorry I too quickly forget. But I'm not sorry that I have the privilege of shouting and expressing my thankfulness and joy for having you in my life. For the privilege of walking through life with some of the most passionate lovers of Christ and his work. For the privilege of calling you friends... brothers and sisters in Christ.

Pray for me. Pray that I can find satisfaction in Him alone.

I'm praying for you. And I'm praying that I might the same.

Pray for mercy, and to fix our eyes on Him alone for all we need! Thank you...thank you so much.

"The Mercy Place"

- Psalm 51

My sin is ever before me

it infects and touches every part

spills over into my heart

Protect my ears

for sin tells them false things

protect my eyes

for blindness sin could bring

Protect my heart for its for you it sings

The secret sins we keep inside

they infect our thoughts

they tell us lies

we fall from you

we fall from grace

bring us to the mercy place

Out of the darkness

into the light

Mercy guides us through those nights!

It protects our ears

It protects our eyes

It floods our heart

to you we cry!

The secret sins we keep inside

they infect our hearts

they tell us lies

we run to grace

we seek your face

we find healing in your mercy place

Your grace is ever before me

it infects and touches every part

and spills now out of a humbled heart.

"He is not invisible when we come alive"

"We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

If you know me very well, or even if you don't you'll often see me wearing some sort of paraphenalla that says TWLOHA. A lot of you see that and aren't really sure what thats all about. I strongly encourage you to just take the time to take a look at the vision. (www.twloha.com) This is only a couple paragraphs but are some that hit home and have meant a lot to me in my life.

For years I struggled with depression, and on occasion I have my "not so great days". It could possibly be something I always struggle with, I don't know what God has in store. But what I know is more and more I feel its the very thing that sends me to my knees to confess my need for him. Throughout those years I was searching for fulfillment in so many different things when what I truly needed had been there all along. The cool thing about Christ's love for us thats so different than what we view love as is that His love is unconditional, free, and full of grace. Though I was living in a life of sin and misery God placed me around some of the most amazing encouragers I could ever asked for... even when they were the last people I wanted to see or be around. For those years, Christ still made himself present in my life despite my refusal to simply wake up. He did that with love, His love, through those I hold very dear.

I could go on forever with stories and specific people that come to mind and would gladly take the time to do that, but I definetly don't want to lose your attention. On a really hard day, I was flipping through my bible and stumbled across a verse that my very best friend had highlighted. " For it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: Wake up , O sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you."-- Ephesians 5:14

It wasn't until this past year did this verse really stick. In fact a lot of the things loved ones constantly drilled in me stuck, but I simply put them in the back of my mind. The truth of the matter is, no one person could make the choice that I needed to make. However, the love and compassion those have shown is why I am here today. Our father has been teaching me a lot lately about how everything is through him and for him, nothing is possible without him. As frustrating as it is, a lot of pain to myself and others could have been avoided had I simply made a choice a long time ago. You see Christ is the only way to healing, to life itself, but our hearts must be willing to let him have his way. This verse does not say... when you feel like it roll out of bed and God will rescue you. WAKE UP!!! RISE FROM THE DEAD! And then, Christ will shine on you. I believe more than anything that in all things God is at work, but also believe He is quick to respond to our effort and our belief in His healing power. We can pray prayers of rescue, but we can't be rescued standing in the same places and telling ourselves the same things we always have. Change, as painful as it may be, must happen.

There were nights when I wanted to quit. There were nights when I almost did. There were nights when I hurt my friends, my family and said things I didn't mean. The are things I can't take back, consequences that will pain me for probably the rest of my life.There were feelings I didn't understand and may not ever.

On those nights he intervened. On those nights he showed up. He provided friends with patience, love, grace and strength only to be found in him. He understood. He offered grace.

When we "wake" every morning we have a choice. Daily we have a choice and daily we are molded in one way or another. So daily I beg you to awake in Christ. Whether you suffer with depression or not isn't the issue. In this life it is so easy to get into routine and live mundanely. Awake in Him. Healing is possible. Hope is real and He has already won and suffered beyond what we could imagine (john 16:33).

I don't know who will read this or if it's even making much since. All I know is that I want you to know Christ's love in a brand new way. For it is love, HIS love that binds everything together in perfect harmony (Col. 3:14). It feels as if for the very first time I'm falling hard for my savior. My prayer is that I can now finally spread the love of Christ as its been given. I pray he pours me out. We are sure to break, we are sure to fall, but there is so much beauty in the healing of TRUE brokenness. Please know that. If you want to know what my latest addition to my arm means to me, this is it. I am alive because of Christ, in Christ, and daily I want to be reminded to awaken my soul. If you ever have any questions or want to know a little bit more about my struggles and need someone to talk to... as hard as it is sometimes, I'm open for God to use it in any way He can.

You Deserve More Than That

I had a humbling thought yesterday.

As childish as these next few questions may sound... I'm sure I'm not alone in my thought process.

Have you ever considered someone one of your best friends but felt they didn't quite see you the same way? Have you ever poured your heart and soul out to someone only for them to close theirs? Its frustrating. Sadly I'm sure that we are all that for someone. Though I'm surrounded and blessed by the most amazing family and friends I've felt a little alone lately. Have you ever felt alone in a room full of crowded people? Have you ever missed someone, not been able to spend time with them, only to realize they weren't aware it had been so long since you last spoke?

Now before it sounds awful, I have a point! Whether those are feelings of insecurity or simply misunderstandings, I truly feel if we'd admit it, we all have at least one person in our life that has left us feeling this way at one time or another. It makes you feel insignificant doesn't it? Like you can't measure up?

While my mind was racing with these thoughts God slapped me in the face yesterday with one of the most humbling thoughts. Don't you think this is kind of how He feels when we neglect to spend time with him? I know it may seem like a corny analogy, but I just had to share it. I truly think God allows us to go through feelings of loneliness to greater appreciate Him. Often we feel people owe it to us to return the love we give them, but we don't. God freely gives us the gift of eternal life, yet daily we struggle even to come to Him. Just like any other relationship it requires work, effort, and sacrificed time, yet so often he's squeezed into the time intervals that best suit our schedule. As I was thinking about this I felt smaller than an ant. The creator of all things CHOOSES to take us as we are, wipe of the filth yet we feel so unloved and wanted by others. I've found my heart and eyes aren't fixed on what they ought to, when the best friend I could ever ask for is just simply waiting; and more than likely saddened because we aren't as close as we once were! God doesn't need us, he WANTS us. We need God, but miss out on the importance of truly desiring Him.

If only our need and desire to feel accepted and loved by those we hold dear were replaced with the need to fall further in love with Him. I have some work to do.

Hope, there's always hope.

I take a lot of things for granted, and quite often... I can be pretty selfish.

That truth hasn't hit me quite as hard as it did tonight. Lately I've been struggling with some things, that I won't go into a lot of detail about, but I've just really been down and out. For the past week I've been walking around like that person who always seems to be the downer. You know those?

I haven't written on here in a while for several reasons. Often times I feel like what I have to say is irrelevant or babble. However tonight, I just feel like writing. It's something I enjoy whether I do it well or not. Most of us can find ourselves in a rut more often then not. If we are all real honest, we'll admit our feelings of hopelessness a time or two. I pray and hope that most of you have not experienced the hopelessness to the point of wanting to just quit, but it happens a whole lot more than we think or admit to.

I fear putting this out there. I fear being so open and "laid out like a sunday morning wash" like Maddy Smith would put it. However, there have been MANY instances in my life when I've just wanted to quit. There have been MANY instances in my life when I just didn't see the point, I wanted to give up... this week has been one of those. Whether it be circumstances or just some sort of emotional insecurities that have been built and stored up over time, I've found myself in that place too often. I've doubted God, I've doubted myself, I've doubted others. Crazy right? Observe my family, and the friends that surround me and it comes as quite a shock. It's frustrating, its painful, its shameful and embarrassing, but Satan sure does know my weakness, and he sure has taken a foot hold this week.

Every time I've just wanted to lie down and quit this week, something in the back of my mind says, "Brooklyn". For those of you who know me, you know that I am now the proud aunt of a beautiful baby girl named Brooklyn Paige Martin. For those of you know me, you also know that it wasn't the most "ideal situation". I remember the day my brother sat me down to tell me he was going to be a dad. I knew the love Sarah and him shared, I knew everything would work out, but it was still all so overwhelming. Never did my mind wander to think that a baby was a mistake, in fact it wasn't too long before I was ready to figure out what colors I could buy: blue or pink!? However, in that moment, all I could think was... God what on earth is going to happen here? Tonight God broke me down and answered that question loud and clear. I can't imagine the feeling of holding your firstborn child... but it has to be simply breathe taking since I could hardly catch a breathe holding my baby niece for the first time just a few weeks ago.

Though I've been stubborn, though I've pushed him out, God showed up in a might way tonight when the whispers of "Brooklyn" turned into "all of those who love you, the same way I've loved you". Let me explain. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, I've walked down a lot of roads that have been pretty bumpy.. and through that have suffered depression. Guilt, regret, shame, have engulfed my life for years. Things I hold on to, things that weigh me down, things I allow to weigh me down. It's been a long time coming, and I'm no where near what I want to be or should be but now find it comforting to know I never will be. When your in that frame of mind, your blinded by all the crud to see God's truths shining through. The cool thing is, just because you stop trusting and running after Him doesn't mean he stops working. My fears, my failures, my feelings of weakness, my pride, all came crumbling down when God shook me. When the very thoughts that I pushed aside all week came out of the mouth of my best friend, three years younger than me. She listed all the people I love, and in the middle of the list I said "Brooklyn". I proceeded to tell her how I wanted to be there the first time she skinned her knee, to be there the first time a boy broke her heart. To offer her hope, strength, and most of all a Godly example. Tears flooded my eyes as countless names, faces, and hearts came into mind that have been there all along, and most of all the God that has provided them.

Through new life, God's shown me that there is ALWAYS hope for new life. Before she was even born, he knew, that exact minute I'd realize how beautiful it is. Though I can't see the other side of where I am, I know simply that there is another side. That through a not so "ideal situation" God brought the most beautiful bundle of joy and with that brought hope for new life. I can only imagine the hope and love it's brought to my brother and sister in law! God works in all, and through all... and though I doubt, he still continuously gives me reason not to! I can't wait to see where God takes Brooklyn. I can't wait to watch her grow. I can't wait for her to see how loved she is, and moreover, I can't wait to see her fall in love with her maker.

Romans 8:28

*** To my family, friends: Thank you.

"God's forgiveness is an amazing gift. The problem is that our logic gets in the way."- Mark Hall

I planned on squeezing in a nap before Chapel, but for the past couple of days somethings weighed heavily on my mind. I haven't blogged much lately for several reasons. Lately it's been difficult to simply collect my thoughts or make sense of my thoughts enough to pour them out. I also have had a fear of sounding whiney, or being the debbie downer blog. 

However, when I laid down to take a nap I just couldn't rest without putting my thoughts out there. This past Sunday my pastor did a sermon on forgiveness. The forgiveness we should show towards others, ourselves; and the forgiveness God has given to us.  There are things I have bottled up, things that I hide, and maybe if we all got real honest you'd all agree and could say the same for yourselves. When we walked in we were given a rock, which in the end represented something we were holding on to. Our faults, our failures, someone who wronged us, you put a name and face on it... but basically whatever it was that was hindering you from being right with God.

I went down front. I went down like I have several times before. Everytime I've felt like I've finally "let go" it always seems to catch up back up with me. It's never that I don't really want to let go, its never that I don't sincerely pray and take action on it, but I think I've finally put my finger on something that plays a key role in it all. I've always grown up knowing all there is to know. Knowing what it is to have faith, knowing what it is to have God's grace and mercy. Since Sunday, obviously I'm feeling like I picked that rock back up, and maybe a couple more along the way. I've had a few talks with people about the matter and came to what I feel is the problem. Sometimes I think its not that we don't sincerely want  to let go, or that we don't do what we ought to do, but rather we put too much emphasis on what WE are to do rather than what God has promised and can do.  Its a funny thing since its not a new concept to me. I've learned through several circumstances and from a very good friend of mine that our faith should never be in what we can do but what God can do.  Ultimately WE can't let go of whatever it is. Ultimately our minds cannot wrap around the idea of grace, simply because its not something thats logical. When we put too much ourselves into it, we let our logic get in the way. Grace is something we can never fully understand. Faith is something we can never fully understand. Letting go is something we can never fully do if we don't trust God to intervene. I understand that we have to play a role, we have to forgive, we have to move forward; but how can we do that without Christ? 

For me personally I'm finding that my faith is weak and deffinetly not directed where it should be. I think its safe to say when we find ourselves unable to let go, and to press forward from something holding us back after we've already asked for that forgiveness, that we aren't fully trusting that God has forgiven us. When we find ourselves unable to forgive ourselves, we aren't fully allowing God to break down the walls he's dying to take down. We we find ourselves unable to forgive ourselves, we aren't letting God be God in all of our lives, and we are diminishing God's true power to conquer anything and everything in our lives. I don't say all that as someone whose mastered this, but someone dying to let God be God; and know that no matter what I do or don't say He is still who He is, and is capable of so much more than I can fathom.  I just thought I'd share my mixed thoughts!

"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with enteral glory. The saying is trustworthy, for: 

If we have died with him, we will also live with him;

if we endure, we will also reign with him;

if we deny him, he also deny us;

if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself"

2 Timothy 1:10-13

God is still God! He cannot deny himself!!!

Tolerance or LOVE?

There is something that I don't quite understand. Maybe someone can help me out here (although I know the number of people who glance on this page is few)

There are things in my life I've grown up knowing to be wrong. Drinking, sex outside of marriage, cheating, lying , stealing, homosexuality. As I've grown up though I've started to view people who partake in such things a little differently. Maybe its because I've made my mistakes, and failed miserably several times to do the right thing. Maybe its because I know first hand what its like for a person to love you no matter what you've done or where you've been. When I say that I don't just mean Christ (although he does, and that amazes me daily), I'm also speaking of some amazing people he has placed specifically in my life. I see these people as lost and in need of love and truth more than I do the need for them to be "put in their place". I see brokenness, I see pain. I see people who haven't had the luxury of growing up with these truths instilled in them.

November 7th a group called soulforce is coming to Central Baptist College. 

Their Mission statement is this: "The mission of Soulforce is to cut off homophobia at its source -- religious bigotry. Soulforce uses a dynamic "take it to the streets" style of activism to connect the dots between anti-gay religious dogma and the resulting attacks on the lives and civil liberties of LGBT Americans. We apply the creative direct action principles taught by Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. to peacefully resist injustice and demand full equality for LGBT citizens and same-gender families."

Though I do not agree with what they preach I can catch a glimpse of maybe where their hearts are at. The Jesus I know through scripture was among the sinners. From greedy tax collectors, to prostitutes, to women with five husbands, to a man who persecuted and stoned Christians, Jesus was there. Though I don't agree with the way they make transgender relationships to be right, I do agree with the love factor. Though we shouldn't condone a person's sin, we shouldn't cut them off completely from Christ's love. If we are called to be holy, because He is holy. If we were made in his image called to be christ like, why are we throwing these people off of our campus? Yes they are coming uninvited. Yes they may be in our faces. Yes what they practice isn't true, but have we forgotten the truth in what WE practice? Or do we practice it all, or just bits and pieces? I fully believe that if Christ were here today he would love on these people like crazy, just dying to shed some light on the truth. However, I am very aware of the fact we have meetings going on during the exact same time period. I'm very aware that it would cause a lot of conflict, so for that reason I understand asking them to leave. But its everyones attitudes about them coming that really puts me on the edge of my seat right now.  I guess I'm just frustrated. Christians today mare the face of Christ so much ( myself included).

 Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be so defensive and jumpy. I for one don't claim to know it all, or have it all together.... but I just have this notion that there is a better way to approach this then so many students are. In know way I'm directing this towards the staff, I understand why they are doing what they are doing. But why trash them? Why look on with hateful eyes? What do we gain from that? What does God's kingdom gain from that?  

Yes its organizations like this that give christianity a bad name. Its organizations like those that wave signs of dead babies, or signs that say "God hates you". God loves these people. Did God hate us before we became to know him personally? I'd say one of the simplest, most amazing scripture verses would beg to differ (John 3:16).  So don't get me wrong, I disagree. I believe abortion is wrong, just as much as I believe homosexuality is wrong; but I also disagree with the way so many people today approach it. We are no better then them we attack from angles left and right. 

I apologize if i offended anyone. I apologize if I came off rude or pushy, or a know it all. I most certainly don't know it all. For all I know I could be way of base. But like I said before, something just doesn't feel right about the way people approach these people. Our God is a God of wrath, love, and mercy. However, its not our place to condemn. It's our place to love the sinner and hate the sin. Thoughts? Because I'm not quite sure what to think.

Seeing Through Your Eyes:

I saw myself today

in the faces of the broken

Lord, I should have spoken

but I saw myself.. in all my former glory

The me I hate, the me who drug you through the mud

Do away with what I tell myself I need to be

Your the one my soul craves to please

Wipe away the past and all its shortcomings 

Give me you Lord

be King in this life 

thats hanging on like a kite upon a string

I saw myself today in the faces of the broken

Lord I should have spoken

but I saw myself... in all my former glory

Come back in to my dormant heart

and cover me with your beauty and grace

(show me your face)

I saw you today in the hearts of the broken

as they poured their lives down at your feet

For a moment, I forgot about me..

To the Broken:

Right now I'm supposed to be typing up my first college essay. Instead I find myself ready to pour out several different emotions in my mind and on my heart right now.

This week has been consumed by various mixed emotions. If its not one person, its the other. From depression, self-hatred and crazy ex's, to being homesick, loosing touch with old friends, and struggling finding the right ones, I've found everywhere constantly someone is fighting a battle within and without. 

A lot of my week has been just that. If you read my recent blogs, you'd see that... so I won't go into detail on any of it. Even as someone who has fought her battles, I sit here tonight struggling to find the the right words to express the need to hold on. Maybe its more simple then we'd like to think. Maybe our finite minds assume that it has to be complicated. Our God is a complex God, but I believe more than anything that His Love and Truth is as simple as this : He loves you just as you are, He is the same God on the Mountain tops, as he is in the valleys, He is the only way, and He is sovereign over anything you may be facing.

To the depressed, insecure, self-hate motivated people... you feel you just can't cut it : I went a long time without waking up to those simple truths God was trying to remind me of. I fought with satan and the demons within for a long time before I finally realized how simple it had been all along.  " God loves me. Despite everything I've done? I get that. I don't want His love, I don't deserve it."  First of all, this way of thinking will send you in and endless circle and you'll never get to the end the lists of reasons why you don't deserve His love.  None of us could. The simple truth is this: " there is no greater love than this, than a man to lay down his life for his friend." Its been shown to us from the very beginning. Take the sunday school lesson you learned when you were 5 years old and apply it to here and now. Its as simple as that. Oh how I wish we could see through the eyes of a child. God= Love. God's love is so amazing, so divine, so genuine that he sent his perfect sinless son, who became human.... stooped down to our level and died for our wretched souls. It really is, that simple.

To those broken beyond, compare... the stresses of the life are just weighing you down:

I've seen your tears. I've heard your stories. I've felt an ache in my heart, and am left without adequate words to stop your tears. If there is one thing I've learned -- there is a time for everything. A time to weep, a time to mourn... a time to build up, and a time to tear down. So this is your time to weep. God never promised it would be easy. Some of the things people have dealt with recently I will never be able to comprehend or understand exactly why they happened. Some of things that have gone on, I've wondered and questioned if my little faith could measure up to the situation at hand. Then I realized something, its not the size of our faith, its the size of our God. Granted, the size of our faith has a lot to do with the size of our God. I took a step back and realized this: the same God who can wipe away every sin, every wrong doing, every fear and doubt.. can wipe away your pain as well. Yes in some instances, there will be a hole, a scar. From watching others, from hearing stories from so many broken people and watching them rise above the ashes from a fire that would normally consume a person completely, I've seen a glimpse of how huge He really is. When our faith is resting in that, we won't ever get let down. A friend told me that once, a long time ago, someone I strongly admire. It couldn't ever ring more loudly in my mind than it does right now. You see, she was broken too. She was put in a situation where you just want to scream why?!  Its girls like her, its the people God provided me with that have constantly been driving that truth way deep down inside of me, to where I find myself  no longer able fight the simplicity of Gods everlasting Love.

 

When you just can't see the light. When you really just can't seem to find peace. Remember your God. Sounds so cliche doesn't it? Sounds to simple? It is just that simple. This week I found myself starting to doubt I can really pull of this college life. I struggled with doubts that I have all along. This week God has also opened my eyes to those around me. I've been slapped in the face by what hes awakened my soul to see. Yes Bekah, others hurt too, and in ways you can't fathom, so hold on.

A while back. Sometime during the summer. My mom showed me the Louie Giglio video "How Great is our God". I think it was then and there where my heart really started dropping down into a melting pit of grace. Yes, I've fought, struggled , and failed numerous time since that moment. The video went into a lot of scientific detail about evidence of God, our galaxies and how huge they are. Sitting there in the living room, shaking, in tears, I felt like a microscopic organism. I was swept away. All the fears, doubts, struggles, pride, selfishness mushed together into a pile of repentance as God laid in front of me the power of his love and mercy. It all amounted to nothing to the majesty that surpassed it all. A God so huge, that there are things my eyes simply can't see. From the air we breathe, to the galaxies that go further beyond than what we'll ever know, our God is amazing. After watching that, I went to sleep. As I lied wide awake in bed, in finally arose and cried out to God, and wrote this:

" There are no words -- take my heart and let it sing"

Everlasting

Mighty Savior

take my heart, and let it sing

My stone cold heart has frozen solid

I need the warmth of Your love to thaw me

theres no more running, no more fighting

On my hands and knees

You've awestruck me once more

Take my heart, take my life

I can no longer deny this love surrounding

its written on everything (things my eyes can and cannot see)

take my heart and let it sing.

So tonight. Sit back, and remember who He is, and his simple truth, and His never failing promises.

*** How appropriate that these thoughts come pouring out on the anniversary of a very tragic day. There are many broken people, who are dealing with a whole lot of pain today. Hold on. I don't what its like to be where you are, but hold on. Your God, He will sustain you.

Remember 9/11