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What I Should Have Said

This week has been packed full of all sorts of emotions! Friday night before the wedding at rehearsal dinner, we were all given the opportunity to say a few words to Nathan and Lynzie and again at the reception the next day. I'm not one for speaking in front of crowds which is indicated in my love for write or in this case typing words. I know the sentiment would have meant more had I worked up that courage but I wanted to get the thoughts out because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude!

So here are some things I should have said (and then some) :

When I first met Lynzie I honestly thought the only thing we'd ever have in common was Jordan Morgan. I saw in her innocence and a gentle heart and at the time it was almost annoying! It didn't take too long before I saw even more gentleness and even more kindness but more than that, that Lynzie Lamb was human too. I watched her walk down roads with Jordan, holding her hand through so many things, that I praised God for, that I prayed for, for a long time. It also didn't take long before I noticed her come along side me and begin to hold my hand as well. It would be an understatment to say she has seen me through so many dark battles. She hasn't just seen me thourgh, she she has been one of God's carriers!

I remember one of the first times I ever had a real conversation with Nathan Brewer. We'd just got done eating in 'the caf' and walking through the student center we linked arms and he said "Lets talk bekah". We plopped down on the couches and as soon as we did He said "So tell me about Lynzie Lamb". Obviously my answer was pretty biased, but as genuine as could be. She's kind, gentle, loving, faithful, loyal, Godly, pure and those are just a few. From there in my mind I couldn't picture them not together. There were obstacles, there were mistakes, but there was grace and there was a love that was so evident from a source that can only be described as one of those "That's God" moments. I grew to love Nathan just as a brother, and loved to tease them and say He was really supposed to be with me! In him, the overused "guys and girls can't be friends" got tossed out the window. Because in him I found a brother that no matter how many times I failed and how much ugilness he saw in me, he looked past it to see the beauty Christ placed in me. I could joke and laugh, but I could also cry and spill my guts. Wait, he kind of sounds like a girl.... well anyway...

There were times of frustration. Times when I wondered if I'd get to hang out with my friend again! The mushy new love stuff seemed to not only be time consuming but a problem for my ever jealous nature. Jealous of the time Nathan got, jealous of the relationship I didn't have. Complete honesty, when I say this week has been packed with so many emotions, I'd shamefully have to say among those are that of jealousy and sadness. Most of us if we are real honest don't like change, even if its for the better, that adjustment period seems to leave us squirming through the awkward stages. In the past two years I've had friends leave the country, get engaged, married, pregnant, graduate from college and grow up to be spiritual giants in my mind. It's been difficult, and I'm sure I've gotten on my friends nerves with my whining.

But so much more than that its been rewarding. Instead of just sitting on the sidelines watching all this growth and love, I got to be a part of it. How many people get to say that?

In Lynzie get to learn what it is to be a proverbs 31 woman. Though she hasn't quite gotten to the kids part yet, I have no doubt in my mind that she will be a terrific mother. I count it a blessing to be one of the last to find love and get married because I get to learn from their mistakes ;). I get to watch how they approach situations and run hard after God first and foremost. I get to come to the realization time and time again that this love they share isn't about the mushy gushy stuff, that really its just an added bonus. That the real love is found in pursuing it the right way, Christ's way. They find their love first in Him. Because of that I know I'm not ready for all the things my friends are experiencing. I'm still fighting, still healing, and still learning. How blessed I am to not do those things alone. Though changes are being made and at times are difficult, I know I can call on any of my family and friends at any point and they'd drop everything.

Lynzie, thank you. You've put up with so much... you've done so much and continue to do so much for me. You are my sister, you are my friend, and a woman that I admire and wish to be like one day. You are woman! ah! Thank you so much for no matter what, being by my side, loving me and loving me with the right kind of love. Thank you for the example you lead, for the purity in your heart and spirit. For saving yourself. For loving God first and trusting Nathan with your heart second. I love you more than words can express and I could go on forever how thankful and proud I am.

Nathan, like I said before, you've become like a brother to me. But then with everyone you encounter you hardly meet a stranger do you? Thank you. Thank you also for loving Christ first, and for loving the mess out of Lynzie second. For being gentle with her heart and guarding her heart and your heart. For being the godly man and friend you are. I know I can' always count on you, and I hope you can say the same! Thanks for making me laugh even in times I sure didn't feel like it. Thanks for being a real with me when I didn't wanna hear it. Thanks for being a friend.

I cannot wait to see the places God takes you, your example and friendship is valued more than you could ever know! I love you.

Blessings In Disguise

Precursor: Be prepared for complete honesty!

" Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."- Romans 12:15

Well hello! I know it has been a while since I've made an actual post. Not sure how long this one will end up being because God's been teaching me some things I wanna share and I also need to update those of you who wander to my page every now and then!

Over the past year or so now God has truly been moving in the lives of those around me. Jordan met and fell in love with the man (who is perfect for her) whom she then married and they are pregnant! Lynzie and Nathan got engaged and are gonna be married this summer! Lynzie is graduating college! My sister is about to have her first child! My mom has lost over 60 pounds! Brooklyn is growing up and is more beautiful day by day! Molly is about to head off to China! So many people my age are getting married!

This list could probably go on but those are just some things that are really sticking out and have been huge to me. Heres the honesty thing that may not be to fun to read much less type. There have been days where I've been completely jealous of each blessing listed above. There have been days when I've questioned and fought with God asking "when will I meet someone? when will you reveal to me your specific calling on my life? when will my life actually start?". There have been days when I didn't wanna be around those people because I was so self absorbed that it hurt to be around it. Don't get me wrong, of course I was happy for them, but definitely not as I should have been!

A couple of weeks ago I got some really great news! I was so excited, couldn't stop smiling and then a familiar thought entered my head " oh thats great for them , but what about....me? "

Not soon after that thought there was a rebuttal that went a little like this: If God blessing those you love doesn't directly bless your heart, you should question your hearts motive. Convicting.

Scripture talks a lot about the body of Christ, that together we make up one body. Some are the arms, the legs, the head, and some are smaller and don't seem as important but you couldn't really function to the best of your ability without. I like to think of people He has specifically placed in my life that way. Not to tip toe the line of finding meaning and satisfaction in them, but finding joy and encouragement. We need each other. That next Sunday Jason preached an awesome message and God pointed me to a scripture that has been on my heart since. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."- Romans 12:15. Makes since doesn't it? Shouldn't we rejoice when one member of our very own body is being completely blessed by God? Absolutely!

If we think rejoicing is often hard, we shouldn't take light to the second part of that verse. Just as soon as great news can come, bad news can follow pretty quickly. That it did. It hasn't been the best week because of it, there has been weeping and God has shown me how quickly rejoicing can turn to mourning. How important it is to be in tune with ALL parts of the body. I've wanted to post on these thoughts for a while but couldn't gather them all too well. Because this part stumped me. Its difficult to rejoice for one person who is experiencing awesome things and weep with another who isn't. But then God came with another rebuttal: the Cross. By death he overcame. John 16:33 says that we will have trouble but to take heart, He has overcome the world! 1 Peter 3:18 says, "For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit"

In my mind it took me back to the idea that we are to be a reflection of Christ, in His image. Can you imagine the weight he bore daily? So many people, so many blessings but also so many tragedies. It was good to stop and remember that he was God in the flesh. He didn't just look human or talk human he WAS human. In that he felt burdens just as we do and in a much more heavy way. I know that isn't a great answer to the posed question of how to rejoice with one and weep with another, but all I know is that He did it. So by that I know my answer is always Him. Sunday school? I guess... but we can't truly rejoice, truly weep, truly be what the body need us to be if we are not first plugged in to the source, the life, the heartbeat of that body: Him.

So on this good friday rejoice! He has overcome! In Him all things are possible, but only in Him. Friends , Family I'm completely blessed by you and thank God for you. I'm am directly blessed by God to be apart of these awesome events going on in each of your lives and am so honored. I truly mean that. Through your relationships I know God is giving me an awesome opportunity to watch Godly marriages in the making. To learn, to prepare, to be the kind of women you are. Thank you for being who you are and following His plans for your life. I love you.

Life has begun. I'm awake, I'm alive, I am blessed. I may be 22, single, work in a shoe store. But I'm also an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and most importantly a daughter of the King who is worthy to be praised. I'm moving, I am waiting, I'm rejoicing, I am weeping, I am loving, I am loved, and I can't wait to see what He has in store.

**********

In 2 months and 4 days I have lost 16 pounds total.

All because of Him and my awesome encouragers I get to call family and friends!

You know me, You love me

" You know me, You love me" (Psalm 139)

You formed my inward parts

you love me still

You search out my path and lying down

...acquainted with all my ways

you love me still

why do I seek for love and acceptance in appearance of strong faith?

This plastic fruit

this love pursuit

its folly in the end

You know my rising

my lying down

you love me just the same

You see my weakness

my selfish desires

Your love, O Lord, abounds the more

Oh to love how you love me

I cannot comprehend

this grace, this mercy

when I'm so dirty

help me to find the end

The end of me

my selfish ways

to somehow fit a mold

that I create and imitate

to find someone to hold

But you hold me

from birth till now

the mold you knitted then

is still at work

despite this sin

with grace I see within

A deeper cause

A deeper love

that no man can achieve

why do I seek for love and acceptance in appearance of strong faith?

This plastic fruit

this love pursuit

its folly in the end

You formed me

You saved me

You raised me

You know me,

You love me all the same

till your kingdom come may I live as wonderfully as I was made

to your glory and your renown

to love you all the same

Choose Life.

"Remember, you do the choosing. God working in you, as you allow Him entrance, makes it happen in your life."- Stomrie Omartian

"The plans of the heart belong to man,
but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord."- Proverbs 16:1

Well hello blog world. Today is Thursday, March 17 which is exactly one month since I began my journey in the physical aspect of healing. In one month I have lost 8 pounds, and feeling healthier, obviously feels pretty good. I was shooting for 10 but am proud of myself and thankful for strength provided. I started a book called "Lord I want to Be Whole" by Stormie Omartian and the quote at the very top is from it. While simple, it holds a lot of truth... a truth I've come to cling to and remind myself daily.

Life throws us a lot. Satan throws us a lot. And often, God puts us through things to grow us or bring us to a place we could never imagine in the end. Regardless of the source of the mess you find yourself in, there is always purpose and always a CHOICE. Thats a hard thing to swallow most of the time given that as humans we'd rather wallow in our mess and throw up our hands. Myself, I tend to make plans.. if I fail or mess up in anyway it feels hopeless. Truth is in this past month I couldn't sit here and tell you that I NEVER missed a day working out, but what I can tell you is for the first time I chose to get up and try again the next day. I know that we aren't always promised tomorrow, I know that we should always try to be at our best, but I've learned more lately to count the mercies of a new day as a huge blessing. Not to excuse ways you've failed, not to live however you want, but to learn and try harder the next day.

While God has a plan for our lives, we choose what we do. Often times we can't choose how we feel or whats done to us, but we can always choose how we handle it and if we get back up again. I'm not sure what version she used in the book but in proverbs 16:1 it said "preparations" instead of plans. There is so much more work to be done, so much more rest, so much more healing and love and forgiveness to both receive and give.... but regardless of the amount of time that takes I'm simply asking that he prepare me for that. I'm preparing my mind, my heart to choose life. Sounds silly, but its so very crucial right now and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to do just that.

22 pounds to go!

Outward eyes

Two nights ago at the gym I was having a bit of a slow night. I was feeling a bit discouraged and throwing a bekah pity party, invitation and attendance: me. While I was lifting weights I kept glancing over in the mirror feeling self conscience... so many girls in there able to do much more ( run longer, lift more, and of course look better). I kept looking at myself in the mirror thinking to myself this is going to take forever. Finally the last time I glanced I looked past myself and my attention turned to a larger lady. Before anyone gets offended I'm just being completely honest here... she was quite a large lady. I watched for a minute as she went to town on the elliptical and smiled.

After that my thoughts shifted from me to questions like "I wonder what her story is....how she got where she is and what finally motivated her to come here". Lets be real, obesity is a serious problem today and is mostly caused by laziness. But lets look deeper too. Everyone has that pet sin, something you seem to always come back to. Every one has ways of coping. Everyone has something...and that something is a part of who they are and what they struggle with. I know when I'm down and being a girl a piece of chocolate cake sounds amazing, as does a bag of popcorn and a chick flick. This woman didn't just wake up one day and realize she was overweight, it happened over time. In the same way we don't just wake up one day and realize we are in a life full of sin, it happens over time (slow fade by casting crowns is now playing in your head right?). Well it is mine.

I'd like to say since then my confidence level has not decreased, that I haven't gotten discouraged, but I can't. However, I can say that its made me more prone to push those thoughts aside and stop looking inwardly. In this walk of healing its been plain to me that inward eyes have got me caught in a pit. Regardless of whether its thinking much or little of ourselves... its easy to get lost in ourselves; so much so that we magnify our pain. Looking away for just a moment pushed me to work harder that night and every night since. How sad it is that I get caught up in my mess instead of realizing how much mess is all around me. How thankful I am that God reminds me to stop and look. Doing life together, sharing our stories, and loving each other through those messes... thats what its all about. My prayer is that I find myself in that place of compassion again.

Give me a heart of compassion

to count others more significant than me

to see to the needs of others

and tear down this sin that covers

It blinds my eyes

only I remain

I make much of the mundane

More of you

less of me

Open my eyes

so I might see

Their hurt, their pain

their story, their scars

What binds them to sin

Help me to love again

Your grace, your healing

your story, your scars

you bind us in your love

It should be more than enough...

To open our eyes.

****

On a not so serious note:

Progress physically:

* Lost 7 pounds

* Ran 4 minutes w/o stopping mon

* Ran 6 mins w/o stopping tues.

* Ran 8 mins w/o stopping wed.

* Tomorrow it will be 10

( I know that sounds little but this girl is OUT of shape and is making progress : ) )

For everything, there is a season

" Hope" (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ; Isaiah 40:7-8)

A plush green field

one bare tree

a winters season has left me cold

but life is all around me and your love binds me still to thee

Though seasons pass

and people change

You, oh Lord, stay the same

As time goes by and it's warm again

hope arises with each new day

Leaves bloom

out of a winters gloom

growth is evident once more

Back to our roots

where we find you

the deeper we go

You pull us through

to the heart of this life

to the unwavering hope that remains

To you, in you, through you we go on

Though "the grass withers" and "the flower fades...the word of our God will stand forever."

Well its been a little while since I've last updated so I decided to share my heart from this past weekend. In case you were curious the diet has been going well, I went away to visit a very dear friend this weekend so I was told it's always okay to splurge while vacationing ;)

However, its back to the gym tomorrow and I can't wait!

Though I've been so far away lately and run from the only source of hope and strength that is solid, He still has provided. This trip came at just the right time. A time get away, to laugh, to smile and to be smothered in love by a beautiful daughter of the King! My very dear friend, Kristen main will soon be heading off to Mexico, a place that God has placed so heavily on her heart. Though I do not deserve it, God ministered to me this weekend through her. I've never met someone who loves more passionately than her. She would argue this, but I can justify it but pointing back to the one I know has provided. He knew just what all of us needed this weekend.

Now for a bit on the poem I opened with. On our way back today after tears, hugs, and goodbyes we drove by countless open fields. Needles to say, as far as scenery goes its a pretty boring drive. Despite that, you'd come across random fields with beautiful green grass. You know that kind we haven't seen in so long!? In one field in the middle of the grass stood one lone tree. Though life was all around it, life was not evident on its branches. My mind just got to wondering away with that thought and how often I am that lone tree, surrounded by life but not truly living. Every winter depression kicks in like the unwelcomed enemy you don't remember inviting in. I feel its a daily thing, but this season is one where I feel its at its "heaviest". It drags, I go into defensive seclusion mode, and tend to push away those closest to me. I don't know if every winter will be the same, I don't know how long it will be a struggle of mine... it could very well be forever. However, I believe now despite pain that God is still the same God in this season that he has always been. I believe that if it's something I struggle with forever, he will provide ways to push past it, to cope, to avoid the pit I dig.

I don't know what it is for you. But we all have seasons in life that seem to drag and drain the most out of us... to where if we are real honest, it seems absolutely hopeless. I'll be the first to tell you there are times in dark places that I'd say there wasn't hope...knowing full well at the root of it all, Hope remains the same. Wherever your at, whether your in a season of joy or pain I urge you to cling to Him first and foremost. Thats what He is teaching me all over again, daily it seems. Its true that God puts us through seasons to teach us, grow us, and bring us closer to Him... and today I saw that in His creation and loved playing a verse through my mind back to my "roots" if you will. That His word stands forever. He stands forever.

The next hours that followed on the trip home went from a silly question game to very personal heartfelt questions. In vulnerable moments each person shared as I stared out the window, eyes filled with tears heart heavy with both gratitude and guilt... He is God, all the time. So though so many things are painful and to be honest with you it'd be so much easier to quit, Christ will always be for me... so I have no reason to.

I hope if your reading this you are encouraged in some way, and I hope that you hold on to his hope wherever you are at..."..... Christ in you, the hope of glory." ( Colossians 1:27)